Maybe I've finally found peace . With Everyone.
I live with no regrets. Thankful for life.
Life is filled with many holes and traps. But I am glad for experiences. For Life.
Maybe. Because of one email. Every stream was cleared.
Nothing is the same as before and will continue to be.
Thank You.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Maybe I can't clear things up with Brian. But with Kenny. I have made peace.
Wanna make a baby? Aha!
Your words captivate my throat and constrict my words.
Twisting and turning you tangle my heartstrings and link them together.
Love Your My Only.
I am wiser. I am better. I am stronger. I am happier.
None has this feeling ever reached me before. Glad to be yours and only yours.
Never forgetting you.
Darling I've fallen for you.
I Love You. Skittles. Mine.
Until Time Stops.
For your embrace I do not want to ever let go. Your sweet scent makes me dizzy with delight. Your straightened hair bristles as I flutter my fingers through them. Your deep bright eyes pulling me in so curiously. Skin so soft like velvet roses. Voice so deep, keeping me calm and captivated. Your lips brush mine with sensitivity so slight. Your final heartbeat, racing at the same pace as mine.
I. Love. You. Never. Forgetting. You.
Sometimes she scares me.
"Mommy stop it.."
I don't trust her.
She don't trust me.
It will always be this way. She won't change.
Don't talk to me Mom. Because you say you love me only if I do well.
You yell at me with a vicious fist.
So I am afraid of you. Don't come near me. Cause I don't ever want you to be close.
Mom. I feel nuetral toward you. I don't love you. I don't like you.
Stay away from me Mother.
I want to get out of this house. So I don't have to see you anymore.
Listen to your awful voice. Or.
Your glaring eyes and hoarse tone.
Mother. I don't consider you one.
Should it really be that important? Should you let someone else control your life?
No. Fucking. No.
Why do people want someone else. Why do people constantly talk about the people they like, or the people they are with. Honestly, I doubt every crush, every obsessive little person. Who thinks that they love someone when your a teenager.
Do you ask yourself the big questions? I'm willing to think that they don't.
All they are doing is greedy and selfish. Oh I want someone. I NEED someone. Do you really? Do you honestly need to depend on someone for your life. Your weak.
A weekling. You cant take care of yourself? Pathetic.
It pisses me off. So when you look for love, think with your heart. Not with your mind and over obsess. Think about it for awhile.
Then give a REAL answer.
Oh sky, you were crying so hard today. Windy and rainy. What is wrong.
----------
Lovely days. Content. I help my friends daily. Advice is given, learning happens.
His kisses make me dizzy with delight, leaving me to want more.
Dreamy, a tingling feeling is left behind.
-------
So like, he bought a bottle of 7Up.
We passed it around and eveyrone drank out of it. It was like a vodka pass around. Haha.
Andy still owes me too. Dat bish. Lol.
------------
I Love. I'm Happy. (:
Kindness can always get you far. Wisdom will always help.
Learn from your mistakes. Because knowing can save you in the long run.
---------
Goodbye. For now only.
---------
I thought about Kenny today. Out of nowhere. Hmm. I don't need him anyway.
---------
I love you Skittles. Happy One Month. You've been there. To care for me. Continue to bring me smiles as I can look into your eyes. And laugh. With Joy.
I'm suffocating.
In this house.
I dont eat.
So I won't have to talk to her.
The only time I am safe is when she is gone.
I cant be myself in this place.
I'm Suffocating.
I should become a tattoo artist.
Yeah.
Mmmhmm.
Uhh huuuhh.
--------------
I wanna love him. I'm so impatient. Haha. I'll let these feelings come. Because he's so silly and yummy x3
Come along my hunnies~
I'm happy. I'm content. Because.
I've worked so hard to get here. After every flip. Every wrong thing.
Yesterday was literally one of the best days of my life.
The salty water, the stinging in my eyes. It didn't stop me. I kept paddling, I kept going. I paddled my HEART out there, the adrenaline rush. The water, the beat of the drum pounding in my heart, the shouting. EVERYTHING. Was worth it for the feeling. I had fun. We dominated. We came. And We paddled EVERYTHING out there.
And I was OVERJOYED when we got FIRST PLACE. In B DIVISION. I was Happy. SO happy.
It takes a lot. To be perfectly content with yourself. And Doug taught me that.
-------------
But everyone around me is so sad, so depressed. Bored with their life. So I'll sacrifice my happiness for them. Even if they might not realize, how much I care. I won't let them drown. I won't let their depression eat them from the inside out, until there is nothing left.
Because they are my friends. People to laugh with, and people I know in my life. So I will go to their side
Give them and tell them. Everything I have to offer. Everything I could ever say. And Hope, that they would listen to me. And Pick themselves up. And be strong.
Because it isn't easy. To fix yourself. I admit it is very hard. It is tough. But through everything you can survive. You can live your life, perfectly content. Perfectly happy.
We'll bring you to victory. One step at a time.
It's because I care. Because honestly, almost no one does.
JUST ATE DINNER WITH MAH FELLAS. I AM SOOO READY.
BAMBAMBAM GOTTA GET AT LEAST B DIVISION AND GOTTA GET LOTS OF SLEEP. I'M SO PUMPED UP RIGHT NOW OMGOMGOMG.
COME SEE THE RACE LIKE OMFG.
DOUG KEPT SCREAMING 'SUCK DICK' IN CHINESE IN THE RESTURANT. A CHINESE SEAFOOD RESTURAUNT LMAO. AND HE TOLD
WE NEED TO TAKE A SHIT TODAY. WHEN WE GET HOME AND LOL YEAH SHURE I DID.
WOOOOOOOOOOOT LETS GO BLACKBOAT. WE ARE 20 WIN AS 1
------------
Oh a lighter less happy side. It's his birthday today. Super too lazy to say it so screw it.
And I was blind. But now I see.
You were never really into me.
Happy Birthday Hoe(:
Ya Faggot :D LOL
Race Day! ALRIGHT.
So I'm getting pumped up and totally kicking and I am READY FO RACE DAY FOOS. Pre dinner is tomorrow and we gonna have DIM SUM LOL. Whudevers. I looove my uniform too. It's soo purdy and yellow and feels good ;D
Oh yeah. So if you can. GO SEE THE RACE ON SUNDAY AT TREASURE ISLAND. Go Lincoln!~ We rule da HOUSE. Kick it good and Power it up. Cause everyone else is going DOWN.
Our coach also sent us a note and stuffs and everyone at school is like READY FO RACE DAY? LOL :D
--------------
Oh another note.
He has someone and when I heard, I felt nothing at all. Guess it shows how much I care. I hope for him, to erase the memories of him and I. Because I do not want them either. I notice that, he never understood me. Never. He means nothing to me. Nothing at all. He can do whatever he wants. It is NOT my problem.
Besides.
I have someone. Someone better. Who understands me, who wants to get to know me. Tells me sweet everythings. His words make me dance with delight, when close, my heart flutters silently. And he told me. The one thing. I never thought I'd hear from anyone.
"Your not alone. I'll be with you. If you weren't there, I would be alone too"
All my life. One person. Finally knows. Beyond the smile. That little lonely girl. He reached out his hand. And Now I'm taking it. Our hands together. We'll get through it.
-------------
I Miss You. I just wanna Kiss You. Want You. Learn to Love You.
Although I don't know how to.
Teach me how. So I can tell you.
Truthfully that.
I might Love You.
You told me that. I won't be alone anymore. So Your Mine.
Let's keep it that way.
91609. Till Forever.
A poem I wrote for fun.
For some reason, I feel so. Sad?
----------
A single strand of thread sews the heart in two.
But neither complete nor broken.
Fading shades of purple and healing.
Is it because of myself. I am strong.
Take the step toward them, open up.
Embrace, warm and calm, relaxing.
Heart races fast the closer we are.
Hand in hand, your fingers fit
between the spaces of mine.
Whispering quietly, never spoken.
Little words that are said with no meaning.
In my ear, nothing heard but the calm breathing
I know not the taste of you yet.
Time, does it stand still?
No I think not, everything moves,
swift motions and graceful feet across the floor
Disapperance.
Where did you go. Because I feel myself
feeling fine without you
able to stand up on my own.
although feeling alone missing
But Then I find myself with you once again
and my lips curl into a smile, bright.
Deepening eyes, caring and kind
wide with innocence and wonder.
The olden memories haunt no more
I look toward the door with open wings
Still unable, those little words.
Not just yet.
Experience and passion burn
like a dancing flame on a candle
each step gets closer to that goal
I'll teach you the way
show you how to care
keep dancing, we're not done yet
just me and you not anyone but you.
Take that step, soft lips
closed eyes, heart beats faster and faster
here we stand as the lights burn out
darkness. protection.
whisper quietly in the silence
How long has it been
not alone anymore
i do not wish, i have.
utter the sweet words,
so long forgotten.
Love.
They are big and round.
LIKE YOUR VAGINA. 8D
Or possibly a very round and long penis. . hmm.
Well anyways. I am failing physics. Lucky me. And I got lots of homework to do but it the WEEKEND so I'll procrastinate on Sunday.
Life is treating me pretty okay so I'm thankful for that.
The last REAL practice of Dragonboat is TOMORROW and Mon. and Wed. we take it pretty lightly. Then on Sunday it's RACE DAY. Oh man, I am SO unprepared for it. But I hope we at least place and get B Division. Everyone is telling me I got hecka buff and tan LOLOL.
Omg. My slurpee is melting. -slurpslurpitup-
Ahhh its so dirty. These ppl I knew were just smoking in the park and Mr. Bawlzer ran HELLA fast and caught them. I was like HO shiz. LOL
So yeh. Off to. . do. Things. Lots. of things. -coughcough-
Bye. o_o
Skittles and I.
91609(:
I'll take it slow. Do this carefully.
I hold his hand and he told me. I'm not alone anymore.
So I won't be alone, and I'll be careful, and tend to his caring heart.
We'll be together, and I won't screw this up.
He's Mine.
Only Mine.
I still can't say those words, but I'll learn to. In time.
Brian.
His Birthday is soon. The 26th of September. Ahh. I wish him happy tidings. I hope he's doing well.
Homecoming is soon.
Josie asked me to homecoming. I dunno if I'll go.
Then Skittles said I could go with him if I wanted to. I really don't knows.
Then Mommie asked me to homecoming too. Haha
Who should I choose?
Maybe some dress shopping sometime soon. Picture Day is so faake.
I want Skittles. He told me I'm not alone. That I'm special to him. I'll take it slow and carefully. Tender. Then Aaron says he's in love with me.
What can they possibly see in me. Lol. I miss Crispaul too :( I wanna give him his new nickname. Mango. Sweet and Soft :] Haha. Lovely he is.
Another day of practice tomorrow. Paddle out my feelings. I am ready for Treasure Island. Kinda. Lol. Ahh the sound of the water splashing, the familar pain in my body, I'm left breathless. My arms growing tired from paddling so fast. Ahh Dragonboat how I love it so.
--------------
Just a quickie update since I don't exactly post here too often.
She says to make an effort to talk to my brother.
Get to know him.
He should talk to me. He doesn't wanna be around me. I mean come on, why should I?
She gives him everything. Why should I give him something else too, he should do one thing for himself.
So what if he is my brother. We don't talk. He doesn't know me. I don't know him.
I think, it would be fine if it stayed that way.
Shut the fuck up.
I'm so sick of this shit. Why aren't we better? Why arent we GOOD. Yeah. No more fucking fooling around. I am tired of it. I'm trying the best I can, and pushing my limits. I work my ASS off for you guys. Do we get anything? We get. DOUG, yelling at us, telling us we SUCK, because frankly we DO. And I am so fucking tired, of barfing in my mouth every practice. Getting dizzy and almost falling off when I'm paddling. . Why don't I just fucking DIE doing what I love. Oh of course. How thoughtless of me. I wonder why. And when I take these words. I mean it bigtime. Yeah. I mean it. I get fucking angry. You don't KNOW how PISSED I have been at least for a month now. I hate how almost none of you guys talk. You don't have ENERGY. BE A FUCKING MAN. AND SUCK IT UP. LIKE I TRY.
Yeah. Me. I'm sensitive. So I blame myself for everything. I take every word to my heart. I'm also pretty fucking stupid. But I've also had some SHIT. So don't give me any bullshit. That you feel hella bad cause your boyfriend dumped you. Or the guy you like, doesn't like you back. Fuck. You don't know. I swear. Some people just don't know ANYTHING. You fucking USE people for yourself? LOSER. Yeah. I've done my fair share of shit, but I don't tell EVERYONE about it do I? NO. I cover up the scars and people make FUN of it. You don't help me, and even if you say. I know. You don't fucking mean that. "Don't Cut Yourself" Your not stopping me are you? Now are you? No. Exactly. But the thing is that I don't even do THAT anymore. They just REMIND me of my stupidity.
So Why. Why aren't you better. Why aren't you stronger. Why are you so annoying. Why dont people want to listen to you. Why are you so stupid. Why are you filthy. Your a loser. A nobody. Who wants to be friends with YOU. Why arent you GOOD enough. Why can't you be like your brother. Why are you dull. Why aren't you smart. Your so greedy. Your always so jealous. Why are you so sensitive. Why are you retarded. You Whore. Why do you wanna drink. Why do you wanna have sex again. Why do you cut yourself. Why are you doing all this shit. Why are you so fucking stubborn.
Why. Am I Not Enough.
For being there for me.
Even though, you may be mean to everyone else, your always nice to me.
You got the best advice. And always know what to say.
You may be funny, and you always pick on people. Haha.
You make me smile sometimes, and I want it to stay that way.
Skittles. <3
From Your darling Sexy (: <3
It's way too sad.
I could understand her feelings, why she felt that way.
I feel. Just like her.
And no one is there to run crying to. So I curl up in a ball. And hurt inside, until I can't feel it anymore. And pretend like nothing is wrong. When I cry at night.
Friends don't ask. Friends don't know.
My throat is choking myself. Because I can't scream, or make a sound.
Inside. I just wanna Die.
Going back to school. Whoopee! I can't wait! :D
Soph yr is gonna rock. SO FUCKING HARD D:<>
I got my second ear piercings today. Fucking awesome.
My bro is moving back home too. Oh man. It gonna be different from now on.
DragonBoat has been taking up most of my time but i LOVE it.
Just Keeping myself happy.
Btw. I'm in a pokemon faze. YEAH. ITS THE FUCKING AWESOMEST SHIT IN THE WORLD.
Depressive mood. Pretty Sad.
So the whole point of this blog is to rant right? Well I am in a fucking bad mood. The whole thing that makes me this way is that, why. Why the fuck does everyone come to me with their problems, ask me a question that I can almost never answer. Of course I care about them, but, wheres my turn.
No one dares to even take a hint, or ask me whats wrong when I am down. It's so fucking hard being alone. I play the strong, single girl who can overcome anything.
Well, Sometimes I say Fuck It. Just to the world and I cry my fucking eyes out, does anyone care? No. Does anyone ask me whats wrong? No. I just sit in my little corner, Fucking Alone.
So whats the point of it all.
All I want is someone to LISTEN to ME. Instead of Myself, LISTENING to everyone else. I'm so tired of it all. Why cant you just see that I am NOT okay when I say I am. Or when I hide my tears, and ask me what is on my mind. Is that so hard?!
Well I guess it is, because no one ever DOES it. I can't wish for everything. I just want someone to tell me I MATTER. That at least I mean something to them. Because I care about other people, should I get the same respect back? I think so. But no, I gotta carry everything.
Its the same fucking reason I NEVER say those words. Because they don't mean SHIT. Why would you tell me that when I know that you don't mean it, and even if you say you do, Prove it to me. You just come to ME for care and comfort, but I never go to anyone. Because I know that no one WANTS to listen.
I'm just Alone.
Sometimes you just wonder about the people from the past.
Skittles showed me this really cool song, that really, is so sad. But sweet at the same time.
Basically saying that, we all don't live forever and even though we may be apart now, when you die, I'll be close behind, following.
It really is sweet. And I really like how inspirational it is, and how that, I've learned much just from thinking over the same things over and over, and learning from my mistakes, and improving myself every step of the way.
I may be different but I am still Me, and I always will be. It's funny because lately I've been so happy and busy I don't need to worry about other problems, and that. From now on I'll take a little time to type what I feel and how I'm doing, instead of always complaining and being so emo.
I'm improving myself and I really can't wait for school, and I hope it'll be a good year, this summer has brightened my life, and I won't forget the past, but I won't let it drag me down. It's nothing to cry about. I'm strong and I go forward, don't look back.
I'm oh so single, rolling with the guys, laughing at the jokes, playing little games. It's nice not to be alone. If love will find me, I'll accept it.
My goal is to gather the strength to face my greatest fear, and to patch things up with Brian. Because it was so hard for me before. But I'll try. One day I'll patch it up, and we can be real friends.
Also it's the end of summer so I am partying my ASS off.
Oh yes, I'm getting my second piercing on Thursday, the cartilage on my Bday. I can't wait (:
I'll talk to you soon Blog. I will.
I cuddled with Dexter (:
We talked about lots of stuff.
Maybe it was just the booze or something but he is super sweet.
Peggy dared us to kiss and I liked it.
I stole his hat too, he gangstuh. ;D
Lolz. So yeah not much else.
Peggy is having a fling with Andy.
Andy loves me and calls me drunkie. He's a buddha.
Bradley is my skittles. He's yummy (: He calls me sexy too.
Life is cool now.
Crispy's horniness rubs off on me. Lol xD
Happiness is a good thing.
You know Phone Sex Sucks. Cause you get really horny and you can't fuck anyone.
Porn may turn you on but it isn't too good.
Regular Sex is awesome.
Buttfucking is not cool >:[
Blowjobs should not last more than 20 minutes.
Eating Her Out Means Lick her.
It's really easy for me to turn a guy on. Haha.
Touch a guys abs real slow.
Masterbating can sometimes be better then Sex depending on the guy.
Kinky shit is fun for both people. Act like a bitch and they'll love it.
Yeah. Talking Dirty is Fun.
False Alarm.
I guess I still think about it and it stabs me in the back.
Stupid Girl.
I'm not a princess. It ain't a fairytale.
The crying continues. Because.
That I can't even talk to him. It hurts.
I'm Sorry.
I'm happy. It's a good thing.
Yay for me. Good things happen.
Dragonboat has been awesome. I love smiling.
I don't love anyone though.
I never say 'I love You'
I want to say goodbye to the past.
I wanted to talk to him.
But my heart just skipped and the pain returns.
I thought I was okay. But I can still draw tears.
Why can't I do it. Why can't I just say a simple hello. Without my heart exploding.
It's not that I regret it, I just, don't know why I can't try to start. Is it because I don't want to?
I took one look at his profile. One look. And Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes and I am still in pain. I wonder why.
I still wonder if he looks at my blogs. He's moved on. It's actually been one year.
One year since I met him. I'm still stuck in the position I've been in from the start. I honestly want to patch things up, but I do not think it possible. I guess he still roams in my heart somewhere.
Oh you. You really are something. Haha.
How did you captivate my mind with your akward innocent charm. You were always so cute. Always. I guess, you still make me smile, and make me cry, without you ever being here. That part of you still remains. Even though my feelings for you have changed.
Oh..Haha, Your name. Tell me. Would you speak with me this day? Probably not. It's okay. I guess I'm not ready for you either. Maybe I'll never be.
Why do I feel empty, like the life in me is gone.
I have no will, no power, not even laughter to calm me.
I wish I knew what was wrong. I wish I knew how to fix it.
It's so gloomy, and the sun doesn't wish to see me.
What's wrong.. I feel nothing but emptiness. Not even pain.
Just, nothingness, I'm not trying. And I don't know why I feel so bad.
I wish I knew.
Knock You Down - Keri Hilson.
It's my new therapy song. I do not forget certain things. Things that are so disgusting. Some people are so wrong. It's fucking retarded. Sometimes people try to help and they fail. So I do everything in the end, cause no one's got my back. So when someone knocks me down. I'll get back up on my own.
I stole the puck from an air hockey game. It was cool. Then my Coach told me to put it back or he'd call the cops on me.
And I realize.
I've done so much shit..there is no going back. I'm a horrible person and I'll stay that way. If the cops come and take me, then I guess I deserve it. I would just hurt the people I care about even more. I'm always messing up, I'm always hurting the people I care about. It what the scars are for. If the cops come and take me. If they handcuff me. If I get thrown in jail. I'll rot. I would commit suicide. I wouldn't take it at all. I would get rid of this world, and maybe I'll find a place where I belong. So I would sleep forever in my dreams. No one can make me happy, no one knows how to cheer me up. Look what I've become. I am what I am. I care about things yes. But if it did happen, then. I still wouldn't go back. The scars remind me of all the things i've done wrong in my life. The pain hurts more than anything else. I did it for fun and nothing else. I'm not a nice girl. I never will be.
I'm never good enough anyway. Not for anyone. So take me away, I'll rot in jail, I don't belong anywhere. Nowhere.
If I am kicked from the team, then I'll do nothing. I'm worthless anyway. Who needs me.
Their stories make me cry. It tugs at my heart that, I can give advice, but still they do not wish to be happy. For only you can change yourself.
Sometimes you feel so out of place. I was there, I was in the middle, but I sat quiet. While they talked amoungst themselves. They kept laughing, talking, while I closed my eyes, trying so hard not to cry. Not to feel. Lonely. It hurt even more, so sensitive it tugged at my heart, that I knew I didn't belong there. That even though I was trying, it wasn't good enough.
--------
I learn. My dad tells me such wonderful stories, lots of advice, and any knowledge I can gain. HHe told me one day, about how girls stay with the guys that are jerks in their life. Do you know why? It is because they are comfortable with it. Because that is the way they were brought up in life, they are comfortable with someone who treats them like shit. Odd isn't it?
----------
I try my hardest everyday to keep the people I care about happy. I try to keep myself happy everyday. Some days I succeed. Some days I fail. Sometimes I just breakdown and start crying because out of nothingness. Sometimes I feel accepted by the people around me. Sometimes I feel like I am alone and no one knows what it is like. Some days I say "Fuck My Life". Some days I say, This is the best day of my life.
But I Never say "I love you" To anyone.
But I always say "I care about you". To the people I can.
I think I should write a story, a real story.
And I want some people to know. I'm doing all I can for you. Do the same for yourself. Please.
I wanna live my life. Lets get drunk.
Party it down on the dance floor. Too bad there aren't any.
I wanna party and have some fun. Ahh I wish.
I want some liquor <3>
Sometimes I feel like people don't want to try and look behind the mask. That no one will go out for me, like I go out for them.
Life should fuck me. And It'll feel good. <3>
I actually just have phases where I think about stuff that bothers me and I write it all down. Some of it isn't true, it just how I feel then. So if I'm happy, then I don't write on this blog. If I feel like I need to let something out, I write it down on here. It's how I work.
So I'm not all depressed and shitty, although most of the time I am.. Sometimes I am trying my hardest to be happy. I'm just not quite there yet.
I still cry at night. And I have no idea why..
I want the tears to stop, what am I feeling. The pain in my throat and heart. What is wrong..
I thought I was gonna try and be happy. The tears keep falling and I don't know. They just keep coming. Why are they coming.. Am I sad..? What's happening.. I feel fine..
Why do they pour down. Soak my pillow and teddy bear. Whats wrong with me.
Nowadays the tears keep coming. Everynight.. Why.
I'm Back From Hawaii. Awesome Trip it was. Incredible.
Tomorrow is my first Dragonboat practice. Hopefully I'll do good. I plan on talking a lot more later on but I am so tired so I'll do a short one.
---------
Sometimes I think. It's one or the other. I picked the wrong one. Lost a lot in the process.
I am single and lonely. Taking life as it comes, one step at a time. It still hurts sometimes. I remember those old days, when people used to say we were the perfect couple. That we were so cute together. Well.. things are never perfect, and never are people. I made tons of mistakes.
Well the last few days have been quite odd. I met Brian's friend, and we started talking, and I gotta say. We got a lot in common and I feel like I can finally talk to someone that might understand how I might have felt and say what I want without being judged and someone that can relate becuase he knows Brian and that I might be able to trust a person like that. Maybe I can finally let go of all the shit I've had on my back from the start. Maybe, maybe not.
-------
A Few Songs. I can Dedicate to The Guys that Broke My Heart.
To Brian.
Love Remains the Same - Gavin Rossdale
Don't Change - Elliot Yamin
Forever - Claude Kelly
My Mistake - Shiny
Won't Even Start - David Choi
To Kenny.
No Surprise - Daughtry
Used To Be - Ilya
Womanizer - Britney Spears
Strong - Jordyn Taylor
Tears - Unknown
--------
I always talk about them. No more Kenny. Brian still remains. His memory keeps me happy. His goodbye made me cry. But he was kind. He was gentle. Always loving. And I feel okay. He was my first love. Still a part of me hangs onto him. I don't know why.
Kenny's goodbye. Filled me with Anger. Hate. Regret. He was a player. Way too fun I lost myself. The old Kenny I loved with everything. The memories kept me insane. But then he broke my heart. And I was set free. So I guess I can thank him for the painful memories that made me stronger.
--------
Now for me. I can plainly say that. I am a crazy laughing bunch of energy. Then I am a depressive emo who has the scars from pain. Then there is the dirty dark side, that craves alocohol and sex. Which I take much pleasure in everything. Haha.
These. Are the last Fucking tears I'll EVER cry for him again. I give up.
I should never trust anyone again. Never.
When you are happy. You have nothing to say. When you have something bad to say. Everything pours out. Like. Once the first tear drops. Hundred more appear and you can't seem to stop. You make the first cut you rash out in rage and make more and more. Till. It all stops. Then what. Nothing.
He was the worst mistake of my life. But. If he did not hurt me. I would be oblivious. Stupid. So I thank him. But Still. I can't forget. And I desperately want to.
I do not feel depressed. But. Certain times, certain days. I think through everything. I can feel the tears come without effort. But the tears don't hurt me like they used to. I wonder why.
I want. I need. I feel. I touch. Such Greed. Such Jealously. Such is the way I think. And I think. It's awful.
I also wonder. Why do people necessarily want to live. If you died the next day, sure people would care, but they would forget. They would move on of course. Sure there are tears. But who says that Life is wonderful. Who ever said people NEED to live. Life is just another choice. Another thing to say. So.
Do everything you would never do. Take life in the moment. Because we all die right? It's what I think. It's what I believe. And It's why. I'm greedy.
I want to Love.
I want to be Happy.
I want to Drink.
I want Sex.
I want. To Live.
I want to cut him up. I want to chop him into little pieces, or maybe suffocate him. Maybe just hold him still and cut all the FUCKING scars he left on me. Maybe then he'll know how it feels. I want him to SUFFER. I want him to feel the PAIN. Oh, you don't feel the pain? What If I cut you with a knife. Pierce your chest and make you feel how I fucking feel huh?! What if I hate you. It doesn't matter. I'd have you all cut up with blood in front of your precious new girl. Then what. Maybe I should kill her Too. Make you BOTH suffer. Maybe I'll carve a heart that BLEEDS on you. Just to SHOW you how much you hurt me. You SHALLOW son of a bitch. You. Fucking LIED to me all this time. You didn't mean it. You played with me. So maybe I'll play with you. Play with your BODY. The way you played with my HEART. Oh, it doesn't hurt does it?! I should FUCK you around until you get the picture. Purely a toy and nothing else right? Then be MY toy. Let's play shall we? Lets make you feel the pain. Let me see you CRY. Let me see you BEG. Down on your Knees. BEG for Forgiveness. Say SORRY to me. Oh.. I guess not right? Let the blood spill. Until you DIE. and ROT in the ground.
Am I crazy? No. I'm not.
But Dammit. I just wanted to get that out of my system. FORGET HIM. HE ISNT FUCKING WORTH IT. I HATE IT. His memories. Should Die.
I no longer have anything to do with that MONSTER.
I have so much on my mind I don't know what to say. I know this will be long.
Today I went to my cousin's birthday. Today was the first day in a long time. That I really did feel alone. They were such kids, laughing and playing tag. I had hung out with them for a little while, but things grew dull and I had no place. The adults do not care, and I had just layed down in one chair. I closed my eyes, tuned everyone out, I took deep breaths, my heart had begun to hurt again. I began to think.
The entire day, I had been thinking about Kenny. How I really felt. How I had fallen for his tricks, how I could've been so wrong. I had a dream yesterday, a dream about him. He had taken me for a drive in his car, he wasn't the Kenny I know today, he was.. gentle, kind, an advice giver. I did not know the reason, I do not remember what he had said in my dream, but. He smiled with a kindness I do not know, his eyes had changed, to a brighter sight, a.. happy one. He had told me something.. I do not remember it, nor do I understand it, even if I wish to.
I was still in the chair. I had begun to think once more, Kenny.. these days I begin to think of him as Shameful. He used me like a tissue. Like a toy. I had always thought I meant something, yet, I was so wrong I do not know, how could I have been so stupid. He never told me sorry, for the awful things he did. He always told me I was dense, its true. I did not understand him, even if I tried a million years, I still wouldn't. The only thing I knew was. His memories. The good memories I had with him, the times he made me laugh, the times we spent together, the days of laughter and innocence. The days when he WAS there. When he was there with my sadness. The days he comforted me, the times he would go out of his way to come see me, and comfort me when I cried. How.. could I have been so wrong. I told him that I loved him. Which I now know is not the case. On his birthday this year, I was going to give him a present I had made. He broke my heart a few days before. When he told me, that I was too obsessive and we should not talk anymore. He thew me away that day, and I had cried so hard. As I had with Brian. I had wanted to die. I still remember one day. When I asked Kenny. To Kill Me.
Tears were running down. I told him. To come see me. To bring his gun. To Shoot Me. And End My Life. Because I could not do it myself. The old days..
Back then. I wanted nothing more than to die, the feeling had come back, when Kenny left. I wanted to die, more then ever. My heart hurt and ached for days. I was lost, I had become even more depressed then I was before. I know for sure. Kenny had changed me. He had changed me in.. a good way. I was in pain, because of all the wrongs he had done. But, those wrongs, I am now stronger from. The only thing hurting me. Are the memories. The reasons for becoming infactuated with a person such as him. The only thing keeping me is his memories. I.. have so many memories with him. Wherever I turn I can find something to say about him. Even my own bed. Or my clothes. My mirror. Anything. His memory is still there.
I have insomnia. I cannot sleep. He haunts me in my dreams. And I remember. I always.. ALWAYS. Said sorry first. Whenever he had hurt me. He never truely said sorry. Never. I was so foolish to think, that I could be with someone such as him. He tore my heart out and broke it into tiny pieces. I knew from the start he was a player. But. I had taken his first kiss. His first Sex. I thought it made me at least a bit more important than the average girl he would talk to. I was wrong. So wrong. He still cast me aside. He was worse than before, and I was so STUPID. To let him control me. Again.
The days I was with Brian. He made a DIFFERENCE. I was my own person. I could be myself, and have someone by my side to actually care for me. The way no one else would. But I took it for granted. I lost myself when I had too much FUN with Kenny. It wasnt fair to Brian. I was caught between them when 2009 approached. As the days passed things changed, things I thought would NEVER. But.. in the end. I lost Brian. Now. I've lost Kenny too.
For the first time in TWO YEARS. I felt completely, surrounded by my fears. By the burden of loneliness around me that no one could break. I was drowning in sorrow. Breaking from the pain, the darkness of my eyes had returned and I. Wanted To Die. Nothing to live for. Empty shell, that everyone had come to for advice. The days of summer passed and I grew weaker and weaker each day. I was trapped in my own house. My own room, I skipped a few meals. I felt no happiness. Only a blank expression, nothing held my interest.
One day, I finally talked to my father. He told me of loneliness, he began checking on me daily. And I steadily grew better. I went out everyday, I felt happier. But today. Today. My family. Renforced the reasons, all the bitter reasons why I am alone. Why I am not as important as my younger cousins. How I have so much free time to think about the memories he's left me with. That hurt every moment they have and try to tear me apart while I try my hardest to put them back together.
I held the tears back from my family, and held a blank look, saying that I was tired or bored. When really, my heart was just falling apart in front of them. The memories. I fell in love with them. Nothing more. I do not love Kenny now. I think of Brian, as.. normal. Whose life I had destroyed. Because of my mistakes.
I looked at my cousin today. 13. She is still a young child. She is an only child, she has both sides of her family loving her, a loving mother and father, a best friend for life, even a crush that likes her. Then. I compare it to my own life.
Stripped of my Father and Brother. A Mother who has never told me she loves me. Violent days of yelling and punches. Virginity erased by a jerk. Lonely from the beginning. A best friend that does not understand. No one to love me.
I looked at these things, and I thought of how, I have one thing she doesn't. I have wisdom, from all my Pain. I know suffering.
And she is a young oblivious girl, who knows nothing of the real world out there.
So the only thing I want to say now. Is that I still wish Kenny's memories would leave me. Everyday at 11:11. I wish for my memories of him to disappear. So that, I would forget him. I would move on, and end the struggle to keep putting my heart pieces back together. And Keep Brian's memory. So that instead of Kenny's memories to make me cry. I would have Brian's memories, to make me smile..
I learned a terrible lesson. For the better, but still hurts. I want to start again. To find happiness. And live. Let me. Free.. From Kenny.. From my bitterness.. From my loneliness.. From the world's judgement.
When I arrived at home. I thought of these things. And I drew some tears on my cheeks. Because. The battle isn't over yet. I'm still fighting.
I like being happy. I'll make myself happy everyday.
I'll find things to do. To not be bored. Tomorrow is International Sushi Day.
So, lets eat some sushi. Please? I want some right now..
I felt like, helluh horny today. It was weird. God damn, i was like, fuuuuccckkkkk.
I left a very nice message for that Asshole today. Seriously, Instead of loving him, I hate him. It's really nice considering I'm not talking to him anymore. I erased everything that he gave me, lent to me, anything with his memory, all contact. The only that is left is the memories, and I'll probably push those back.
-------------
Oh man. I remember one time Brian bombarded me with songs and i was like OMFG STOP. LOL. TOO MANYY XD
Or like WAAAY back, when I used to talk with Kevin and Ryan on the phone. Omg those dorks. They were so stupid :P And they still are dickwads.~ Especially Kevin. He's so bipolar, its weird o.o I haven't even talked to Ryan for a long time.
And Quay, Omg he's gonna be a senior next year, so oldd, and he got jumped D; Poor Quay ;[.
And Terry! He's such a sweetie pie x] Hes so cute too~ :D He graduated too. Lol. Dude I swear, he's like super nice, I just never really talked to him too much.
Or like, Howie! Omgomg Howie has a POOL. Srsly! Its not faaiirrr. and he's so sexy too ;D He works out too much. O:
And and. Bryy <3>
Like, All my online friends have been reappearing its nice to remember those old memories.
Too bad my Elk Grove friends don't talk to me no more. Oh well.
Oh man, I met a bunch of people on Maple. It's so funny~
-----------------
So. Now I'm so bored. I think I should get another haircut or something. yeah..
Sushi.. OKAMI. o_o No more emoness.
DRAGONBOAT. BITCHHH. IM PRO. -paddlepaddlepaddle-
I'm going to be home alone. From Tuesday to Friday.
Anyone is welcome to come stay at my house. Or let's stay out late.
Bonfire!~ (:
Happy birthday to the Asshole. Woopee. Fucking wad.
Oh yeah, he plays with girls. I'm glad I don't have to deal with his shit anymore. Even if he did make me laugh a lot and we had good times. Oh well. I'm over it.
After like, 2 years. What a dick. Seriously. Okay. Time to go to the SPCA Play wiff the animals! x]
Yeah. So I don't need him. I have myself. Thats all I need.
So like. I had a nice day for a change.
Thank You Candice, Kristina, Peggy, Tay, Quay, and Bry. (:
Oh Tay. :D you are hilarious. I'm gonna post convos.
---------
Eleyon ~The One everyone turns their back on~ says (12:19 AM):
camii doesn't like her boobs?
Eleyon ~The One everyone turns their back on~ says (12:21 AM):
i'm sure they're still cute =o
Awwuh, Tay likes my boobs :D <3
--------
Kho0lade (9:17:44 PM): ill send ur ass a better link
Koani fox (9:17:54 PM): my ass thanks you.
Kho0lade (9:18:03 PM): ur ass loves my ass therfore our asses are in love
Stupid Kevin. LOL~
---------
Today made my day. Yay.
It's like 2am and I'm having an Inuyasha marathon. WOOPEE.
Ahh the good ol innocent days. I miss them so much. I'm planning to leave a message for Kenny for his birthday. The last time I will ever talk to him. EVER. That arrogant jerk. Player. Stupid Asshole. I am NOT wasting my time on a person like him.
----------------
Now I'll probably go an all nighter for fun. I made Dragonboat Team. I Rule. HAHA.
Off To Hawaii in like, 1 1/2 weeks. I'll probably blog then and post them when I get back and when i get internet. So yea. I'm in a pickle cause my mom has been asking questions but its okay. I'll manage somehow. Keep my happy life. I can't be sad forever..
Okay. I'm going to drop it all. I'm going to drop this sadness. Depression.
I'm GOING to move on. I don't need to waste any of my time on people who obviously don't give a shit.
I will. I have to. But I have to do it myself. Only for myself. No one can help me. I will not become wallowed in my depression. Never. I just need things to distract me.
I think I should go to stones and see if there are any vid games. Or Maybe try and finish the games I have? I don't know. I need to get out more. So If anyone is free than I'll try.
I need to learn to be happy on my own. Not by depending on a jerk who doesn't give a shit about me. No more moping and depression. I'll be happy. I will.
I changed my blog link.
So yeah.
I am depressed. And It's tearing me up inside. It really is. That fucking jerk. He just left me here. After everything. He fucking doesn't care. Why did I believe he would. Why did I trust a jerk. He was so bad to me, it wasn't fair..
I thought he cared, but I was so wrong. I was just a toy. Nothing more than that, and I didn't want it to be true, but it is. And Now I'm so depressed I don't know what I can do.
I am never happy. Never. Ever. I'm always blank, always thinking, and never happy with my life. I can't be. I will never go to a therapist. I will never take anti-depressant pills. I don't know anything. It hurts inside. So much. I don't know what to do anymore. It's tearing me up, ripping me apart.
And there is no one there again. NO ONE FUCKING WANTS TO HELP. I'm just some side friend right? Some person to tell YOUR problems to, but you dont help ME. So you guys all act like you are there. But you are NOT. I was so wrong about so many things. All I wanted was someone to CARE. But I guess it's too much to ask from the world.
I. Am. Alone.
And I really.. didn't want it to be this way.
Today sucks. My mom found my blog. WOOPEE for me.
Shit man, I could really care less. I mean, yeah she's my mom, whatever. She goes on about the same trust crap, that friends WILL turn their back on you.
She's worried about me. I'm FINE. I don't need her help. I don't WANT her help. I'm better off on my own.
It's not like I'm gonna go say 'oh lets go smoke some pot and have some sex'. Geez. Come ON. I'm fine. Seriously.
She does NOT need to worry about me. There is nothing more illegal I can do. Really. I don't want, nor need her to get involved. She's wasting her time. Why should I do anything about my state. It's MY problem. Not Hers. And she shouldn't know any of it. So leave me alone.
Then she goes on about how Friends will Leave You. That they won't be there. That they will turn their back on you and leave you. WELL I'M SORRY BUT. Your not much better. You don't know how to deal with this. You don't know much. I'm sorry but its true.
Ugh. Whatever.
I hate things.
I hate nosy. Fucking. People.
Who nose into MY privacy, and don't even ASK. Who get into my personal buisness, and try to know everything about me.
A note to you. Stay the FUCK outta my buisness. You don't need to kno anything about me, what buisness is MY buisness so you shouldn't be NOSING your way in there. Even if you just want to help. I Don't Need It.
Sometimes I wish oblivious people would just stick in their little worlds.
Life Sucks. Too Bad.
My Teddy Bear. I named him Kenny. Becuase Kenny gave him to me.
I slept with that bear for a good almost 2 years. It hurts now.
Because I don't have Kenny anymore, his plushie, I can't sleep with it. When I cried every night, I held onto Kenny, and I kissed and loved him everynight. I talked to him. He was like a best friend to me. Oh my dear PoohBear Kenny.. He was like a real person to me. But squishy, and loved me, and didn't complain with no emotions. But now. Even he is gone.
I got NOTHING to hold onto now. Nothing to sleep with now. I just lie in bed, and sleep alone.
I'm even alone there now. It's unbearable.
I miss my plushie. I need a new stuffed animal to love.. <\3 My heart is broken.
No plushie can replace my Kenny. But now, even plushie Kenny doesn't love me anymore.
I'm so alone..
I just woke up. It's 3:30pm. My day is gone. Its good. I got less time to kill.
I was on the phone last night with Tay. RawR. And Txting Bry.
I'm so bored. My boredom leads to depression. So I'll just try and not be bored.
But It's really hard. Look at my Art.
http://xioshun.deviantart.com/
Not as lonely. But still lonely. I want to lie on someone's chest for once. Instead of them always leaning on me. It's hard, not having anyone. It breaks me apart.
It seems harder everyday.
He left me with all his memories, his smile. And my heart hurts every step. It's so hard losing him. I'm just sitting still. Even when I'm trying to be happy. My heart keeps on hurting.
I went to the beach today. I walked through the water, my feet between the sand and cold from the water's edge. I swam in the same ocean with him. I looked out at the waves, his image swimming in the waves, I held onto him for dear life that day, and he stood strong, holding me up. I backed away from the sand, I wrote notes in the sand. I felt like crying, right then and there. The wind blowing through my hair.
It hurts. Even in my bedroom there are memories. No one is there anymore. I want someone. It's that basic. I want someone, to share my life with, anyone. For only me. Because I'm selfish, and want people all to myself. I get jealous so easily.
So. I want someone. Cause I'm empty. Everyday. I take everyday as it comes, laugh, smile, cry, hurt. And there is no one.
Why can't there be someone now. To help me up, and keep me afoot. I'm drowning in my own self doubt.
I lost Kenny for good. Everyone says he's not worth it. And I have to believe it.
I'm letting go. I've cried for about 2 days straight. But it still hurts. And It will probably continue to hurt for a long long time. He meant so much to me. More than so many people know or even understand, and he left me. With all his things, memories, precious things. And the hurt builds.
But Jackie. Brian. Bry. Thank you, for showing me the way. I had to let out all my anger, frustration, hurt. And it wasn't like before. When I had Jackie to rely on. When I went crazy over Brian. But I know that I can't do that forever.
Sometimes I just wake up with that kind of mood where I'm depressed, or I wake up with the hope of happiness. I still don't know what love is or the meaning of it. I don't understand caring. I don't take it seriously.
But I gotta do things for myself. And even though right now. I got nothing to live for, I won't die, and thats the way its gonna be. Because that pillar has crashed and I'm building myself up again, with my heart hurting the entire time. It will be harder, but I will be stronger.
So I cant give up. No matter what. I'm going to go out everyday from now on. Or sit in my backyard, instead of inside my room all the time. I'm still terribly afraid of loneliness, and no one has come to free me from that prison, but I'll take one step at a time, and fix what I have to first.
I've been through Hell. But I have to crawl back up, and survive, cause its the only thing I can and Should do. I'm still empty, broken inside, and I won't be fixed until someone else fixes it.
Bry said it the best. "You can only open a door for someone, its their choice to step through it or not". Man I wish he was my Dad <3>
Elliot Yamin - Don't Change.
That song. It's like, he's just singing it for me. That even though he's gone, secretly, I'm a good person, so I shouldn't change.
People always say I'm so amazing. I really wonder why. Because I don't see anything in myself. Nothing at all. Haha. But I promise to live. Even though the pain hurts so much.
I'm hanging by a heartstring. Someone save me..
Too bad no one loves me.
I'm so depressed I ate chocolate ice cream.
It didn't help when I thought it would.
I hate being alone. I'm always the listener, to stand up for my friends. Like a pillar.
But the pillar has cracks too.
There is no one to take care of me, when I take care of everyone around me. So what's gonna happen. I'm collapsing.
No one wants to stand up for me. So I'm alone.
--------------
My friend prescribes to me that I should go party. Antidepressants.. Never.
I'd rather be REAL sad than FAKE happy.
I'm trying to be happy. But it's not working.
I ate chocolate ice cream, to try and cheer myself up. It didn't help.
My eyes hurt. The tears just keep falling.
I cried on my Teddy Bear. Hes all wet from my tears.
I could hear Kenny's voice.."Don't cry anymore..Kenny's getting all wet"
All the memories just replay. And It hurts. The pain in my heart, is too much to bear.
I'm falling apart, now that school is gone, I don't have to put up a front. I'm just lonelier than before. It's just slowly killing me. And it hurts. So much. I'm not trying, because, I don't know how to get back up now. I'm depressed. And no one is willing to help.
And the one person that I want to help me. He could care less..
I scream at the top of my lungs. Yet no sound comes out. Breathless.
I wish he would.
My Kenny Teddy. Is all I've got. <\3
I love you. Even though I know you can't hear me.
I put my heart out on a limb, but no one is willing to take it.
He lied to me. He doesn't answer.
He has time for others, just not for me. So then what. He wants nothing to do with me? Should I give up. All our memories together. Were they all lies? Every single one? All the times we laughed together. All the times I cried.
WAS IT ALL JUST A WASTE. Just a waste of time..
I mean nothing to him.. Nothing at all. How could I fool myself.
All I wanted was for him to care. Because I always thought that i meant SOMETHING.
But I guess I was wrong. How could I have been so STUPID.
I thought he wouldn't leave but, he has. So what now. I got nothing to hold onto.
I might be hospitalized. Maybe this Flu should kill me. Because there really isn't anything left.
I'd like it, if I died. It may be selfish but, I can't take anymore crap. I'm at a loss.
I LOVED HIM. HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID. HOW COULD I FALL FOR IT. I'm just a stupid idiot.. Nothing important anymore.. No one to comfort me, and the one person that did, just left me. So now what huh?! Now what. What.. is left.
I mean come on. I had sex with the guy, wouldn't it count for something?!
-------
He was the one person i could run crying to..
I hate. My cold. It's like a hangover.
Lots of people think im stupid.
I know Im dense.
But I understand lots of things other people don't.
I wanted to take overdose this morning.. I'm awful.
Hah.
I smile and pretend like nothing is wrong.
When deep inside it hurts, knowing that everything is fake.
When I know that, the people that I want the closest, are farther away then before.
And it kills me inside, how I can't do anything.
It hurts me how, no one is by my side. How I always gotta be on my own. Do everything by myself.
Crying at night, drying the tears in the morning and going to school happy.
Its tearing me up inside because of HIM. He has me thinking of him everyday. When I remember all the memories, and I wish to spend more time with him. But, he's farther away than ever.
I accept that he'll never love me. I just wish, someone would come along, and take my broken heart, and fix it. Someone to lend me a hand, understand, and love me. In return, giving my love to them. Trusting them. But I know, such a thing is a fairy tale. So I just sit alone.
I live in my own World. No one has ever entered it. I wish, that someone would come and knock on those gates and come inside. Too bad..
I don't cut myself anymore, I just keep crying. Everything is fake. When will it be real..
Because everyone already has someone else, and I'm the only one without someone. It hurts. It really does, tearing me up inside. I guess I'll just deal with what I got. And Bleed. And Cry.
I remember one time he looked at me and was like
"What would you do if I got you pregnant"
I was like. O.O
Or that time when he gave me a hickey and I beat him up for it D:<
Ahh The good memories. I miss them dearly.
I'm off to DragonBoat tryouts. WISH ME LUCK I HOPE I GET IN.
At Peace.
My wifey wrote me my own song. When she played it, we both edited it, and the piano music filled my heart and soul and I felt like, it could be the story of my life.
Although my throat and heart are killing me. It hurts to breathe.
I feel like I just need someone, or just a pet to love. I'm so alone there isn't anyone there for me, only me. Everyone got someone else, I think I need to feel special to someone. And no one is there, so I just feel like I'm all by myself.
I had a talk with Bry yesterday. I think everytime I talk to him he opens my eyes to things a bit more.
I feel that, I'm sick of always breaking down. Then I ALWAYS have to pick up myself and be strong. But the truth is, I'm not strong. I feel like I just want to stay in pieces, and wait for someone to pick them up and stick them back together for me. Instead of myself ALWAYS doing it alone. But I know that no one is there to pick them up.
It is so hard to deal with a person like me, I can say that I understand a lot of things, most people my age don't. And, not too many people can handle a person like me. So where am I. I'm at a loss, shattering into pieces everynight but putting them back together in the morning. I'm so sick of it. It drives me crazy. I just want someone else to do it for a change.
Oh well. It will be a LONG time before someone like that will care that much about someone like me. So for now.
I'll be at peace, and pretend like nothing is wrong.
Summer has finally arrived! Thank Goodness, school has been getting to me these days and it's finally summer time!
Goodbye Freshman Year. It's been one short, awesome, nice time knowing everyone I do, all the happy times, the sad times. All the awful, horrible times, the super awesome, totally fun days.
I welcome Sophomore Year. I hope it will be, better than Freshman year. I've learned so many things this last year, and I am one year older, one year wiser.
---------------
I have DragonBoat Tryouts this Sunday and I HOPE SO DESPERATELY that I can get in.
I am also off to Hawaii at the end of June. I will be bringing my laptop and maybe there will be Wi-Fi and I could get on. Hopefully my time in Hawaii won't be ruined.
My special super awesome, but kinda stupid mean, Kenny's bday is coming up. I'm getting his present ready and I hope he comes to pick it up. That jerk D;
If I don't get into DragonBoat then I will see if I can do something else. Anyone who wants to hang out, give me an IM or Call/Txt Me up. Cause I love hanging out with people. It's major fun.
I didn't party with anyone this year.. Hmm, oh well. I should go out more. About my emoness. I am TRYING to stop. Brian. Oh, Brian, Brian Brian. I wonder if he stills reads my blogs or anything. I already told him to lay off. Because it still hurts when I talk to him. I could dedicate a million songs to him. I swear. So I'll do that too now. I've had this song for a long time, and I didn't get the meaning until today. It's Korean.
Haru Haru - Big Bang. [This Song. If you understand, If you read the subtitles. You'll get it.]
Read the Lyrics. Sweet and Simply meaning.
I didn't mean to hurt Brian. So he should move on, be happy with someone else, as the days pass I try to be okay. He shouldn't look back on us and be sad, live on and be happy, take only the good memories.
I really could care less if people know. It's not like I'm hiding it.
I posted it on my Blog for a reason. I posted it because I am not afraid of what people think of me. I don't give a shit if you shun me for that reason.
So tell everyone you know. I could care less about it.
All you are doing is just passing on gossip. I really don't care.
So spread it all you want. I don't have to answer to you at all. Plus, even if you tell people what is the point. Whats the point in Trying to humiliate me. Who. Fucking. Cares.
-------------
Can I Have This Dance?
With Anyone, That would take my hand <3
I just snapped today. My heart jumped. They were holding hands and everything.
I tried to keep my cool. Peggy comforted me, but the tears just came. They just ran down like a river, and no one bothered to help. No one bothered to ask what's wrong.
The only person who cared was Peggy.
I wanted to punch him in the face so bad. I wanted to tell him he was scum. That he didn't deserve anything. But I looked back, and.. I'm just a monster. Horrible Bitch.
How could I think, these manical thoughts. But I say the truth when I want him. To Die.
I'm just a broken soul. Talking out the pain, taking it upon myself.
I used to blame myself for everything that happened.
I blamed myself for killing him inside. I blamed myself for his tears. I blamed myself for hurting the person I cared for the most. And I didn't forgive myself. I didn't. So even now, when I do. The pain still comes back, on how I had to hurt him so bad. When I know that he didn't deserve it.
And Whenever I see them. It triggers it. I feel the loss. I feel the old pain come back and choke at my throat and stab my heart. Just seeing them.. So happy. It fills me with pain, anger, jealousy, and hatred. And even though I know it isn't right, I can't help myself.
Because they just remind me of how WRONG I was. How bad of a person I am. And How I'll NEVER have the happiness that they have now. So I cried. Even though I try to hold it back as much as I can. I wish I could scream, but I don't have the means to. I just can't wait till school is over. I don't have to SEE them anymore. Nothing. No more. And My World, I'll forget it. With everyday I won't see them, I'll grow stronger, with everyday I don't have to remember the old memories, I am smarter, Happy.
And I WANT to be happy. Not to please anyone, but because I want to be happy, for me, myself, and I. I want to leave behind the past, even though there are scars, bruises, and tears. So this drama. Has got to stop.
I just wish, the people I love, won't leave me. Like others have. So I won't have to be Alone through it all like before. I'm so scared..
Of Loneliness.
Tay.. He might die.. I can't take the pain of loosing him. I don't..
I don't want to loose another person I care so deeply about.
Everyone that I used to love have been taken from me, walked away, or has died.
So what do I have left. It isn't fair..
Why do I deserve such loneliness.
The pain. The fears. They come back.
Why.. I feel no love. And It hurts. Every Step I Take.
Every Time I try to get back up. It just hits me right back down. So.
Why. Why did everyone leave me.
Why did they walk away.
Why did they have to DIE.
Why do I have to be so.. Alone..
-----------
Tay, he's taught me so much too. And now I know about Love. How.
Now I understand that. It wasn't my fault.. It wasn't.
I forgave myself. But Brian. Never Forgave me. Not truely.
Thank You Tay. Don't Die On Me.. I will Cry. Hard. Just for You <3..
To: Andrew.
-------
I hate Victor.
He ditched me as a friend. He just stopped talking to me.
About the watching them. You don't understand how much it hurts. How even though I know he doesn't mean it. But still.
Whenever I see him with Cindy, they are so happy, so cheerful. And Its just feels like.
They are rubbing it in my face. That they have to be so happy, that they have to have each other and everything in the world. So close and making out and everything in between.
And I ignored it for a long time but it just gets to me. How I lost EVERYTHING that I had. That they have EVERYTHING in the world. That they have to MOCK me with their happiness.
I'm jealous of them.
And It. ISN'T. FAIR. So call me shallow. Call me whatever you want. Because really.
I'm not obliged to tell you the whole truth. Because I know you would tell. I know you would blab. I know.
I just HATE. IT. Why can't they be a REGULAR couple, that just holds hands and laugh with their own friends and don't have to be all OVER each other. It's annoying.
I hate it. I hate them for their happiness. I don't feel good for them and I don't want to make this situation any more worse.
So just drop it. Let me hate them. Let me blame myself. Let Me Cry everytime I see them. Let me CUT myself.
Cause I know you don't care. I know he doesn't care. I know that NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE DO.
So just leave me be. You don't have to be nosy in my buisness. You don't NEED to know the truth so. Just. Leave Me. Be. Let Me Cut. Let Me Cry.
Drop it All. Okay. I'll still be your friend, you just don't know who I am.
--------------
Btw. Yeah. Non-virgin. The guy. Is not a Freshman. Doesn't Go To Lincoln. You don't know him.
You should not be in my business. You shouldn't know anything about me.
Drop. All. The. Drama.
I promised to stop. I did..
But my heart still hurts inside.
They implay that they have each other. Everything in the world.
That I have nothing. Nothing in the world. What is this pain.
It hurts me so. Tear filled eyes.
-------------
White Chocolate.
Chocolate Axe.
Heart Quarts
Card with Photos.
Special Drawing.
All for him. <3..
Why does everyone lust after 'love'.
Even me. ugh i hate it. i just miss him is all. i don't love him that way. RawR.
I am a strong person I don't NEED someone to take care of me. although its always nice to have some boy company (:
Studying for finals.. Poo.
Hit me up.
-----------
Aim: smexicamiiluv
Also. My Cwalk page. --> youtube.com/user/oCamiiLGSeXo
Art Too. ---> xioshun.deviantart.com
-------------
RawR. (:
Spare into thin air..
Sometimes I wish people would realize how stupid they can be. How their love is not real. How they only look at the outisde and not the person inside. It hurts me inside too.
I ruined a boy's life. Because he loved me too much, because I did so many bad things. Well I can honestly say. That truely. Deeply. Inside.
I wanted to know how sex felt like. I wanted to Fuck up Kenny. I wanted to just be close to someone instead of being lonely everynight and waiting for the boy who would never come and see me. It was so hard. Even if Kenny did use me.
I miss those old days when he would come over, we would just sleep on my bed together. I would cuddle by his side, my head next to his heart, listening to the beating of his heart. I played with his hair, never wanting th moment to end. When he would crack and joke and I would get at him for it.
The days when I cried on his shoulder. I miss the days, the OLD days. When I would call him and barely able to speak, I would be crying and he'd tell me politely and caring to stop.. I really miss those days. I really just miss him. His touch, his comfort.
My true feelings. Invisible.
I love my Kenny. I can't change it. Even though I'lm telling myself to stop. Everyday.
A Broken heart sews itself.
Happy 2 years Kenny.. of knowing you. You've grown on me.
The space between is nothing. at all.
Wishing is for Losers. Like Me.
I wish he'd come back to me.
I wish summer would just come.
I wish my Health/Spanish teachers would die.
I wish for happiness.
I wish.. secretly. He'd love me..
-----------
It's weird how you get super horny when you have your period. Hmm..
When I slept next to his heart. In my bed.
When I had cuddled with him and he had slept so soundly.
I remember that day. I kind of wish. It would be forever. Too bad.
I deny loving him. For the cause that I know we'll never be.
So too bad for me. Hah.
I don't love Kenny. Well I do. But In a different way. I would never date him.
Even though I get jealous when he doesn't pay attention to me.
You can see the stains on my bedsheet from crying. That's just sad.
Sometimes I want to scream at the top my lungs. But I hold it in, cause I know it would cause a distraction.
There aren't too many people I find interesting. I don't fall for too many people. I dont understand how those other people can like someone so easily. Its so hard for me.
Just taking life as it comes. Not too happy or sad about it. But I'm grateful. I guess I could say.
Just Erased. He falls for everyone but me. Maybe I'm just in over my head. Waiting for something that will never happen. Am I just wasting all my time. Probably. I've made so many mistakes. Too many too count. All I do is cry.
I'd just wish. He'd see the part of me I want him to. But I know. It won't happen.
Why do things never turn out right. I'll never have my happily ever after. At least. It's what I think now.
Everyday I walk in the streets and think about jumping in front of a car. Just so I could see what would happen. I don't want to die. But my heart, it aches physically everyday. I just wanted him to notice me.
Who am I trying to fool. Maybe I just deserve this punishment. Even though. I don't know what I did.
But I wish. He would love me. He would hold me. He would make me smile. In my dreams. But, I know for a fact, none of it will EVER come true. I'm just wasting my time. I wanted him to see that I've tried so hard for him. That I could share my life with him, take his hand, and live. But only in my dreams. Only..
I've just been replaced. So what is there to do. I just can't help myself. I miss him.
Still. I deny that I love him. I don't love anyone. Anyone.
Dreams Don't Come True.
You make them a reality.
You can't wish for everything.
Even so. It is hard. Time For School.
I wanna write again. Too bad.
An old man called me 'Garbage' when I yelled 'Fuck You' to Victor.
It just hurts inside everytime I see him it's like. Hey I don't wanna be jealous, but you HURT me inside. But you don't even know it and don't care. Asshole.
I feel really detached from Kenny. I miss him. A Lot. Like. A Lot a lot. ): -sigh-
I wish he would be there again. My Comfort. Like before. Too bad though.
----------
Whenever I talk to Brian. All I see, is a horrible person that I've created.
The tone in his typing, I can feel it. And I feel so ashamed. So fucking tired.
That I ruined his life. Thats why I WANTED to see him with a happier mood.
But you can't have everything you want in life and things just don't work out. So I'm giving up.
I just hated always talking to him. Knowing. That I killed him inside. That I ruined him. I just want him. To find someone new and forget about me. Then maybe he'll find happiness, and forget about me. Cause I know. That he needs to. And I really wish that it will come true. Because he didn't deserve to be hurt so bad. All I want for Brian is for him to be happy. Unfotunately I can't make him happy. So I say.
Screw It.
-----------------
The sadness darkens but there are no tears whatsoever. The heart pounds and aches but no attack. The brain pulses and hurts but there is no death. I wish for comfort.
Knowing that there will be none by my side.
As I break apart slowly, but keeping the pieces together so I will not shatter. Standing Strong.
As Long as I can.
Today was horrible.
Life sucks..
Maybe Aaron can cheer me up... <3..>
I miss my Kenny.. Probably he doens't miss me.
I yelled 'Fuck You' to Victor. I am tired of his shit. Why should he deserve everything. Then just gloat in EVERYONE'S face that he can make out with his girlfriend. GET A ROOM. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.
I was so angry walking home I had a fixed glare. I get mad at little things. But those things MATTER.
I hate him so much. I wish he would die. Just so I wouldn't have to see his face. I wanna kick his ass. So bad. I want to shove his face in the ground. Make him suffer. So he knows what it feels like. It's just something that guys don't understand. Its so emotional and painful. So I WANT him to know the pain.
But still. I wish my Kenny cared. If only.. <\3.
You know I'm just another person right. Just another person with a different set of problems. I used to often think that I was all alone. So different from the world. I know that it isn't true.
Cause everyone has problems. Everyone. No one is perfect. Everyone has their own problems. If it isn't one thing it is another. But you know, you notice that everyone has some kind of routine. Everyone has some thing on their mind. Wether it be School, Love, Friends, Family. Lots of people get so caught up in their problems. I rather like to think of it as escaping.
I'm probably just here talking about nothing relavent and no one would read this but it's the same thing I tell people and that people have told me. The most important thing in your life is yourself. Never forget that. You lvie only for yourself, not for anyone else. Not for your 'Love', not for your parents, not for ANYONE. But yourself.
There is so much to say about Love too. So many people have broken hearts, enjoying love, or just searching for someone. So many people base their life around it, and they. Are so oblivious. Because you know, there are more things then Love and Sex. There is a whole world to be explored rather then just trying to find someone to love you. I'm not saying that you should just GIVE UP on love, of course it's always nice to have someone to share your life with. But you can't base your LIFE on something like that.
Another thing too. You can't stay depressed about so many things wrong in your life, even if it gets to you sometimes. You have to stand up strong and you should be happy. So you can prove that you are one of those few peopel that have found happiness, even though everything in your life has been turned upside down.
I also believe that you cannot completely change someone. Sure you may have an affect on someone but you don't CHANGE someone. They decide to change themselves. People do not change other people, rather the person chooses to change due to someone's influence. You cannot make someone happy. You cannot make someone sad. They decide their own emotions and they have to decide fo themselves. They will MAKE themselves happy. So. The best thing you can do is to give them what you have to offer. Hoping they will take it and make their own right choices.
You know too, that so many people feel alone in the world. Like no one cares. Cause they don't do anything, but you know. There isn't much you CAN do. You just have to hope that they will begin to change themselves. In that, maybe will bring yourself happiness.
---------------
On the Stupid Side. I totally wake up everyday and Kenny is on the floor :T I need to take better care of him. I also miss the Real Kenny. ): I wish he would give his Plushie comfort. One day I'll get him back. Even though everyone hates him~ I still luvs my Kenny. I want him back <\3 D:
So. Like. I'm calm now.
I have shopped all weekend and am feeling very good.
Btw. I am sick of his attitude. Seriously. Grow some balls.
Still I miss my Kenny <3>
But Tay sang me songs till I fell asleep last night x3 He's such a sweetie (:
One month till Hawaii. Wow. If anyone has plans during the summer tell me. Cause.
I have NOTHING to do in June.
I WILL BE COMMITED TO DRAGONBOAT. PLOX. O_O
I'm crying for Brian..
I wish he knew how fucking hurt I am.
I still care so much about it. Its killing me inside.
Maybe I should hurt myself some more. To teach myself a lesson.
Still then he won't fucking care. So what's the use right? Might as well just die.
From now on. I'll FUCKING care less about him. Cause who gives a shit right?
He doesn't give a shit. Fuck Brian. Fuck Life. Fuck Me.
Maybe I should go Fuck Kenny again right? Huh.
I wish he would find the happiness in himself.
I'm just crying like a child..
I wish I could scream.
-----------
A part of me. I remember I used to say that "Brian, I'll always love in you in some way". I figured that out today. That it's true. Its true I don't love you like I used to but. I still do care. And Now I realize that it's true. I always will. Whenever he is brought up. Talking To Him. My heart springs and remembers.
I can't hide it. But I don't love him. Not in that way anymore. Never again.
All I wish. I remember one time Eric asked me what would happen if I broke up with Brian. I told him. "As long as he's happy". And I stand by that comment.
Brian. As Long as you are happy. All I wish is for your happiness. Just be happy. With yourself. With someone else. Please.
I'm perfectly fine. I am okay. Even though i dont love anyone, I make an effort to be happy. So he should too. I wish he would. I really do.
Just like Strong by Jordyn Taylor.
"That You, were the one that made me strong;
you made me stand up on my own,
with every cruel intention, you helped me find my
independence.
yeah it's all because of you,
that i have the strength i do,
to turn my pain to passion, instead of crashin'.
Boy i'm thankin' you."
So stand strong. Instead of Crashing down.
Brian. I've told you so many times to not be sorry and I mean it.
Brian. I admit. You are something else. Someone that changed me for the better. Taught me lessons.
I still love you in different way. So You should stand Strong, be Happy.
And. Live.
I'm so sorry..sorry..
I wish I didn't have to do what I did.
I wish I could scream.. but I hold it in.
I'd give everything, anything, to apologize to you in person.
Anything. To tell you how sorry. I am. To apologize.
For EVERYTHING. Everything I did to hurt you in so manys ways.
But I know. I can't see you again.
Just for an instant to see your face. Tell you everything on my mind.
Scream to you. Cry in a flood of tears. How unbearablely sorry. How you don't have to be sorry.
But I know for a fact. I'll never see you. So.. there's nothing I can do.
If I could redo it. I would make sure. You never got hurt..
Just that.
Im sorry..I'm so sorry.. for everything. If only to say it to your face..
Brian.
I'm sorry. How many times that word comes up. I could say it a million times. But still. It wouldn't do anything.. but still. I apologize for everything I did. Everything. All the memories. All of it..
You know. Sometimes I feel like people are so clueless and it drives me nuts. I mean like. There are so many people that are like "My boyfriend dumped me! My life is over" Geez. When like, it really isn't. Seriously, everyone has their own set of problems. Unfortunately some are worse than others. I've decided to share these things with you. In short. Easy to Read Sentances. Enjoy it. But like, no one reads this anyway.
I had serious emotional family problems when I was younger.
I've tried several times to run away from home.
I used to cry. Then I started To Cut.
^^^^^^ I won't go into detail with that. The REAL shit is below.
I had sex with my best guy friend.
I loved my ex but did it anyway.
I broke up with my boyfriend on our 4 month anniversary.
He Forgot.
It was my Mother's Birthday.
It Was Akiko's Birthday.
It was 3 days before my birthday.
I had no emotion and faked everything up until 2 months after we broke up.
Life sucks doesn't it. But you want to know something else?
I liked it. I did. Even though straight after I cried. Then went through so much pain. I can prove that I've gone through shit. And made it out. So tell me your life sucks. Just Try It.
Cause To be honest. Most little secrets are kept. And most people's lives are clueless. So you can't look me in the eye and say that you know me because frankly. No.
You don't (:
----------
Btw. My mom talks to me in the car to start conversations while I'm listening to my iPod.
She's talking to herself (: What a great daughter I am.
Fill the days with happiness.
Because you have to WANT happiness to be happy. Simple isn't it?
Some people are stupid. Some people are intelectual.
Love someone for who they are, not by how they look.
Sometimes it is necessary to break someone's heart. Even if you desperately don't want to.
I made a new DeviantArt just for fun. I'll start drawing again.
XioShun.deviantart.com <-- you should watch that too.
Also made a new Cwalk Vid. Check out my youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/user/oCamiiLGSeXo
Always know that those of you. Who need help. I'm here to listen, but only if you want to talk. Just because I don't do anything does not mean I don't care. I'm a patient person. So I'm here to listen. To Help. To Love. All my friends. Even if you don't normally talk to me. I'm still here.
So Love Yourself. Before you ever try anything else. The most important person is yourself.
Just don't overexaggerate and be conceited. ;)
I hada heart-to-heart talk with Akiko today.
It was. Surprising. I mean like. The whole Victor and Cindy shit.
It got to me. Like, I get overly mad ANYTIME I see them. It's awful.
But today was a good day. Spent the day with Candice, Peggy, Bradley, and Kelvin (:
Lots of laughs, loads of fun. I'm so glad I can still smile <3>
I still miss my Kenny. Busy all month long -sigh-
Tay keeps me company nowadays. He really is sweet, and taught me a bunch yesterday.
I respect your feelings, if you want comfort I'll be here. If you don't, I won't force it out of you now.
I wonder tho. How Brian gets by on. Interesting thought, that I still think about him at times.
I've forgotten how to love a boy. Pretty simple. So I don't know when that feeling will come again. But probably not so soon. It'll happen when it'll happen.
Make good memories, so you won't forget.
I love people. They make me smile. (:
Even though sometimes Life just gets to you. Killing you from the inside out. Random things that float about and the experiences you have in life. Loving someone.
So I think. I will dedicate this, and give all the reasons why I love my guy friends. All my girl friends are so good to me, but in opinion I have more to say about guys. So I dedicate it to all my guy friends out there. Some of the things I love. Some things I hate about them. hah (: I did something on it before, but I'll do it for real now.
I love the way a guy looks at you. That he wants you in his life. The way he hugs you, telling you he wants to be close. The sweet words he'll say, true from his hearts. The way he talks to you, to make you smile and laugh. The way he'll play around, but secretly care so much. The way they go through so much trouble, just to be your comfort. I love these ways.
I hate how they tend to hurt us girls. How they would dump us anyday. When they play around too much, and toy with our hearts. The way they try to act so macho, when they can't be themselves. When they need help, but are so stubborn to not admit it. I hate these ways.
But. These are the things. I would show to a guy. The things that represent me in a sense.
I talk to guys, just to be thier friend.
I smile with guys, so they know they've made me happy.
I look into a guy's eyes, to find the true self of them.
I touch a guy's hair, just to touch a part of them.
I hug guys, hoping they won't let go so fast so I can enjoy the embrace.
I pull a guy's arm, to show him what I have to offer.
I whine to guys, to be cute and complain.
I share my secrets wth some guys, hoping they would understand me a little more.
I give guys advice, because I want them to learn.
I poke guys, for the fun of making them smile.
I love guys, because they interest me in a way a girl never could.
I check out guys, for the fun of pointing out their good and bad characteristics.
I cry for guys, so they know that they've hurt me in a horrible way.
I make fun of guys, to point out their bad points.
I'm perverted towards guys, cause I love how they react.
I hit guys, to say that they've hurt me in some way.
I write poems for guys, to show my true feelings towards them.
I've given up on loving guys for now, cause I hurt myself by getting too close to them once.
I still wish for it. Even Though I know better then to get close. Someday though. Maybe one day.
Tay showed me this video. It reminds me. Of Brian. So much. I feel like crying all over again. But it's okay. <3..
I'm happy. Sweet god full ness ly ness.
Touch My Tra La La :D You know you want to~
Cause I want chu in my room, spend the night together from now until forever!
But use a condom!
Cause Safe Sex is Great Sex C:
I'm in a happy mood. Immuh Gangastah. Beotches. Gots a gangstuh scarf. O:
No more shittyness. Life flips like a coin.
Speaking so. Most of the hot guys at Lincoln are Filipinos. NOT TOO MANY HOT ASIANS D:
When are you gonna get a new face, the monkey wants his ass back (:
Oh man. I don't love Kenny. I don't love no one. Cuzzzz. Boys are. SEXY D: Buut. They are mean ): But some are just hot that way. When like, you see a hot guy and your like "YEH I wanna fuck him ;D' but then it's like, naw you wouldn't be in a relationship. So Lol.
I live single and freely. No one tells me what to do. I choose to do it. So. Single. And Free. But I want hugs. and cuddles. and lovely kisses. But too bad. Cause no one will ): Boohoo. <\3 break my heart.
Today was a good day. (: Horny ppl rule. Like. Totally. <3..
I'm going to go. Make a chocolate chip sandwhich.
The pain hurts doesn't it.
The lumps in my throat, the aches in my heart, the hurt in my eyes. Why does it always end so badly.
Crying so hard. Every night. Just to relief the pain inside. Just to keep going and tell myself I don't love him. All the days go by not talking to him. The days not spending with him. The tears roll down my face. My heart isn't breaking. I still. Still. Losing those close to me.
I wish he wouldn't leave.. Even though I knew from the start that he was like this, but I still stood by his side until now. All the times he made me cry.
All those days I cried for him. All the times when I hugged my Kenny tight, and cried my eyes out for him, but I dealt with it day after day, because inside the pain made me stronger, and because he really did. Make me happy. But now he's gone, it feels like an empty hole. When Brian stole it. When I couldn't love. When I didn't feel anything, no happiness, no sadness, no nothing. Just blank. Nothing at all.
This time, I'm losing the one person who was closest to me as a guy. I keep crying. Even though I really don't want to. I wish I didn't feel the way I do. I just want to see him one last time. One more time. I'll keep saying it. Until he comes.
Our Last Dance.. The last time I'll see him, because I'm giving him up.
The cries don't stop. The pain still hurts. Just another person leaving me.
Everyone I love.. they keep leaving. I don't want you to go..
I know I'm not supposed to say this but. It's like he doesn't even care anymore. I remember he used to. A lot. But now. It's like nothing. This will be a really long post about my memories. The memories I will never forget with Kenny. That I can never forget, that he probably has.
I remember the first time I met him. I was blushing so hard it was so embarrassing. But we had a good time. It was..fun.
When he gave me my Kenny plushie, we saw a movie. I remember when I got scared and hid on his shoulder, and when he teased me I hit him with Kenny too. Such a Fun Day.. I still have the movie ticket on my wall.
We went to the beach together. We swam in the ocean. I was afraid of being swept into the current I held onto him for dear life haha. Even though I can swim pretty good. I buried him in sand and he had his sunglasses on. He wus all covered in sand when he got out and then he threw sand at me and then I was covered with it D; We layed on the beach, it was such a perfect sunny day, I remember his words "Beats Mapling any day" haha..
The first time he came to my house. We hung out. First time I got to ride in his car. I loved it more than anything. We were at my house, then my mom got home. I got him to escape the house through the back door. Sucha close call.
When we had a fight, cause I started dating Brian. He wanted me all to himself. He would always say 'minemineminemine' and so on. But It was the first time he told me that he's been holding up a wall to keep everyone out. That I wasn't strong enough to break it down. Eventually we made up.
Then the first time I went to his house. I liked him more than I liked his dog though. Lol. We hung out. Had a bunch of laughs. He bought me thongs LOL. Then I had my first taste of drunkness. Hah. That's when things went weird.
The recent memories, where he came on some days to pick me up, when me and him would just hang out.
Then. The day came when I slept over at his house. I felt so safe.. so protected, that nothing could harm me. We went to dye his hair. I bleached it all and he was blond. SuperSaiyan! (: Then he dyed it pink.
When it was pink. I remember the next time. The day that has scarred me for life. His friend came over and we went to see the movie 'Push'. After we got back, we drank. Bunches and oodles of fun. Laughs and Giggles. Then it happened. We weren't innocent. We both wanted it. We both now, don't and won't regret it. The next morning I told him 'You broke my vagina stupid! D:<' haha.. I felt no different than I was before. But I had to break the news to Brian.
Then the day came when he went to see his girlfriend. I got mad at him. We had another fight. It was another of those fights. Then.
When I broke up with Brian. I was in a depressive state. Crying. Cutting. Not Eating or Sleeping. Kenny was okay. He didn't tell his girlfriend. But he helped me. The days that he came and. I cried on his shoulder. I cried so hard in front of him. I never cry in front of people. I held onto him tight, wondering why. Those sad memories, one day when he came. I couldn't speak. I couldn't talk at all. The words were just stopped, and I couldn't breath a single word. I just looked at him with tears in my eyes. It's all I did.. Even when he came to comfort me, when he left. I couldn't even say goodbye. He took care of me.
Then after time.. he stopped talking to me. I talked to him. Now.
Everything is so dull. So stopped and he doesn't talk to me anymore. He's not even replying. My texts, my calls, my IMs. So I felt a bit, ditched. Even though The one thing he always said when he comforted me was 'I will never ditch you'. I still wish for those days.
I wish for the days when he hugged me tight. When he comforted me. When he would make me laugh so hard my sides would hurt. So. Did He Forget.
Did You Forget Me. Leaving me here while you are busy with your newfound life.
Not talking to me anymore.
Are you going to forget the past? Through the Almost 2 years I've known you Kenny. Are You.
Forgetting Me. Just, not caring anymore.
Then come see me one more time. Just so I can say goodbye. Even though I desperately, really. Don't want to. This time, is it the end? I won't call you. You aren't asking anything of me. So when the day comes that YOU call me. I'll be here to answer. Cause, truth is. You mean a lot to me. Much more. That I know it isn't fake. That I wish.
You would never Forget Me..
Cause Honestly.. I love him. Even though Everyday I tell myself. No. No I don't.
But I know its there. And I wish it wasn't. Cause I tell myself that I don't.
I don't want to. I desperately. Dont want to. I don't want to love him.. I wish I didn't. So badly.
I wanted drunk talk with Kenny >:(
BITCH HUNG UP ON ME. ASDGFHJKL. THAT LOSER. OH MY GAWD.
You know what. I don't think I'm going to talk to him much anymore. Even though I really want to.
I have a Love Hole. You carve a hole into a piece of paper and look through it (:
Dexter taught me that, you do that when you really like someone. Lol
Well like. Heart aches. Wonder why. Dunno. Still it hurts. Whatever.
I'm a bitch~ Teehee.
OH HORRAY. I'VE DECIDED TO TELL IT TO THE WORLD.
FEEL FREE TO CALL ME A HOE.
IM NOT A VIRGIN FUCKERS. WOOPEE.
YIPPITY DOO DAY.
IM HIGH. JUST KIDDING.
I LOVE HOW THE WORLD DOES THINGS LOL.
LOVE ME ANYWAY RIGHT? OR LEAVE ME CAUSE IM A FUCKER. LITERALLY.
The little secrets I tell the world :x
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That's right.
I WANT HIM. I DO. GOT IT.
I've Touched a dick :D But I haven't sucked one. I don't give Blowjobs sorry.
You know I've noticed changes in my eyes. Like, from time to time I would look at my eyes. I noticed how they've. Gotten shinier. I remember when my eyes looked so dark almost nothing was lit. But then, my eyes, I can see all the memories and I can see my reflection in them now. It's. Weird.
I remember when I looked at his eyes. They looked so.. hurt. So dark, so lost. So, I wondered to myself, how.. did they end up that way. That I looked at his eyes and I couldn't find the reasons for the darkness, for the dimness in them. I still do wonder. What happened to him, to make his eyes so hurt and disturbed. The memories that I not know of, and that he had kept track of everyday. I couldn't see into it. Even though I wished for it.
I touch guys hair because secretly I love the texture and want to touch it forever.
I hug guys because I want to feel loved and connect with them.
I poke guys for fun and to smile myself and make them smile.
I smile at guys because they make me feel like I matter.
I grab a guys arm, so I can show them what I have to offer.
I laugh at guys because they still make me happy.
I hit guys to show them that they've hurt me a little inside.
I cuddle next to certain guys hearts, to feel their heartbeat like a lullaby that comforts me.
I hold certain guys hands. To help them find themselves to be happy with me.
I look into certain guys eyes. To find the hidden truth they keep to themselves.
I kiss certain guys. To feel like they love and care for me.
I love certain guys. Because they've showed me that I'm important to them.
I put certain guys in front of myself. Because I care about them, more then I'll ever care about myself.
I've cut myself for certain guys. To show them that I blame myself for everything that has happened to them.
Honestly. I love Guys. No one can stop me. I just honestly wish, they would love me back.
Haha..
