HeartStrings

I lost Kenny for good. Everyone says he's not worth it. And I have to believe it. 

I'm letting go. I've cried for about 2 days straight. But it still hurts. And It will probably continue to hurt for a long long time. He meant so much to me. More than so many people know or even understand, and he left me. With all his things, memories, precious things. And the hurt builds. 

But Jackie. Brian. Bry. Thank you, for showing me the way. I had to let out all my anger, frustration, hurt. And it wasn't like before. When I had Jackie to rely on. When I went crazy over Brian. But I know that I can't do that forever. 

Sometimes I just wake up with that kind of mood where I'm depressed, or I wake up with the hope of happiness. I still don't know what love is or the meaning of it. I don't understand caring. I don't take it seriously. 

But I gotta do things for myself. And even though right now. I got nothing to live for, I won't die, and thats the way its gonna be. Because that pillar has crashed and I'm building myself up again, with my heart hurting the entire time. It will be harder, but I will be stronger. 

So I cant give up. No matter what. I'm going to go out everyday from now on. Or sit in my backyard, instead of inside my room all the time. I'm still terribly afraid of loneliness, and no one has come to free me from that prison, but I'll take one step at a time, and fix what I have to first. 

I've been through Hell. But I have to crawl back up, and survive, cause its the only thing I can and Should do. I'm still empty, broken inside, and I won't be fixed until someone else fixes it. 

Bry said it the best. "You can only open a door for someone, its their choice to step through it or not". Man I wish he was my Dad <3>

Elliot Yamin - Don't Change. 

That song. It's like, he's just singing it for me. That even though he's gone, secretly, I'm a good person, so I shouldn't change. 

People always say I'm so amazing. I really wonder why. Because I don't see anything in myself. Nothing at all. Haha. But I promise to live. Even though the pain hurts so much. 

I'm hanging by a heartstring. Someone save me..