I just snapped today. My heart jumped. They were holding hands and everything.
I tried to keep my cool. Peggy comforted me, but the tears just came. They just ran down like a river, and no one bothered to help. No one bothered to ask what's wrong.
The only person who cared was Peggy.
I wanted to punch him in the face so bad. I wanted to tell him he was scum. That he didn't deserve anything. But I looked back, and.. I'm just a monster. Horrible Bitch.
How could I think, these manical thoughts. But I say the truth when I want him. To Die.
I'm just a broken soul. Talking out the pain, taking it upon myself.
I used to blame myself for everything that happened.
I blamed myself for killing him inside. I blamed myself for his tears. I blamed myself for hurting the person I cared for the most. And I didn't forgive myself. I didn't. So even now, when I do. The pain still comes back, on how I had to hurt him so bad. When I know that he didn't deserve it.
And Whenever I see them. It triggers it. I feel the loss. I feel the old pain come back and choke at my throat and stab my heart. Just seeing them.. So happy. It fills me with pain, anger, jealousy, and hatred. And even though I know it isn't right, I can't help myself.
Because they just remind me of how WRONG I was. How bad of a person I am. And How I'll NEVER have the happiness that they have now. So I cried. Even though I try to hold it back as much as I can. I wish I could scream, but I don't have the means to. I just can't wait till school is over. I don't have to SEE them anymore. Nothing. No more. And My World, I'll forget it. With everyday I won't see them, I'll grow stronger, with everyday I don't have to remember the old memories, I am smarter, Happy.
And I WANT to be happy. Not to please anyone, but because I want to be happy, for me, myself, and I. I want to leave behind the past, even though there are scars, bruises, and tears. So this drama. Has got to stop.
I just wish, the people I love, won't leave me. Like others have. So I won't have to be Alone through it all like before. I'm so scared..
Of Loneliness.
3 comments:
Camille...
We don't talk in person, but I do read your blogs (sorry if that was creepy).
You won't be alone. Even if it may seem like nobody understands you or tries to, you'll always have somebody. You'll have your best friend reminding you of the things that you are blessed with; you'll have her to remind you that there is someone still there.
It's okay; it's okay to want happiness for yourself. This is a step towards where you want to be. You know the change you want to make for yourself, and you sound determined to do so. You can do it.
There will always be people reading your blogs. There will always be people trying to get you out of tough times and hold your hand when you can't find the way. You just need to look around you.
We always blame someone or something because we cannot stand a blameless problem. We cannot stand not knowing the cause of such things. It's always, always ourselves.
You'll get better. You'll have people help you get to the point where you WANT to be. High up to the place you deserve.
<3
you sound like you need a vacation from your life
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