Why does everyone lust after 'love'.
Even me. ugh i hate it. i just miss him is all. i don't love him that way. RawR.
I am a strong person I don't NEED someone to take care of me. although its always nice to have some boy company (:
Studying for finals.. Poo.
Hit me up.
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Aim: smexicamiiluv
Also. My Cwalk page. --> youtube.com/user/oCamiiLGSeXo
Art Too. ---> xioshun.deviantart.com
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RawR. (:
Spare into thin air..
Sometimes I wish people would realize how stupid they can be. How their love is not real. How they only look at the outisde and not the person inside. It hurts me inside too.
I ruined a boy's life. Because he loved me too much, because I did so many bad things. Well I can honestly say. That truely. Deeply. Inside.
I wanted to know how sex felt like. I wanted to Fuck up Kenny. I wanted to just be close to someone instead of being lonely everynight and waiting for the boy who would never come and see me. It was so hard. Even if Kenny did use me.
I miss those old days when he would come over, we would just sleep on my bed together. I would cuddle by his side, my head next to his heart, listening to the beating of his heart. I played with his hair, never wanting th moment to end. When he would crack and joke and I would get at him for it.
The days when I cried on his shoulder. I miss the days, the OLD days. When I would call him and barely able to speak, I would be crying and he'd tell me politely and caring to stop.. I really miss those days. I really just miss him. His touch, his comfort.
My true feelings. Invisible.
I love my Kenny. I can't change it. Even though I'lm telling myself to stop. Everyday.
A Broken heart sews itself.
Happy 2 years Kenny.. of knowing you. You've grown on me.
The space between is nothing. at all.
Wishing is for Losers. Like Me.
I wish he'd come back to me.
I wish summer would just come.
I wish my Health/Spanish teachers would die.
I wish for happiness.
I wish.. secretly. He'd love me..
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It's weird how you get super horny when you have your period. Hmm..
When I slept next to his heart. In my bed.
When I had cuddled with him and he had slept so soundly.
I remember that day. I kind of wish. It would be forever. Too bad.
I deny loving him. For the cause that I know we'll never be.
So too bad for me. Hah.
I don't love Kenny. Well I do. But In a different way. I would never date him.
Even though I get jealous when he doesn't pay attention to me.
You can see the stains on my bedsheet from crying. That's just sad.
Sometimes I want to scream at the top my lungs. But I hold it in, cause I know it would cause a distraction.
There aren't too many people I find interesting. I don't fall for too many people. I dont understand how those other people can like someone so easily. Its so hard for me.
Just taking life as it comes. Not too happy or sad about it. But I'm grateful. I guess I could say.
Just Erased. He falls for everyone but me. Maybe I'm just in over my head. Waiting for something that will never happen. Am I just wasting all my time. Probably. I've made so many mistakes. Too many too count. All I do is cry.
I'd just wish. He'd see the part of me I want him to. But I know. It won't happen.
Why do things never turn out right. I'll never have my happily ever after. At least. It's what I think now.
Everyday I walk in the streets and think about jumping in front of a car. Just so I could see what would happen. I don't want to die. But my heart, it aches physically everyday. I just wanted him to notice me.
Who am I trying to fool. Maybe I just deserve this punishment. Even though. I don't know what I did.
But I wish. He would love me. He would hold me. He would make me smile. In my dreams. But, I know for a fact, none of it will EVER come true. I'm just wasting my time. I wanted him to see that I've tried so hard for him. That I could share my life with him, take his hand, and live. But only in my dreams. Only..
I've just been replaced. So what is there to do. I just can't help myself. I miss him.
Still. I deny that I love him. I don't love anyone. Anyone.
Dreams Don't Come True.
You make them a reality.
You can't wish for everything.
Even so. It is hard. Time For School.
I wanna write again. Too bad.
An old man called me 'Garbage' when I yelled 'Fuck You' to Victor.
It just hurts inside everytime I see him it's like. Hey I don't wanna be jealous, but you HURT me inside. But you don't even know it and don't care. Asshole.
I feel really detached from Kenny. I miss him. A Lot. Like. A Lot a lot. ): -sigh-
I wish he would be there again. My Comfort. Like before. Too bad though.
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Whenever I talk to Brian. All I see, is a horrible person that I've created.
The tone in his typing, I can feel it. And I feel so ashamed. So fucking tired.
That I ruined his life. Thats why I WANTED to see him with a happier mood.
But you can't have everything you want in life and things just don't work out. So I'm giving up.
I just hated always talking to him. Knowing. That I killed him inside. That I ruined him. I just want him. To find someone new and forget about me. Then maybe he'll find happiness, and forget about me. Cause I know. That he needs to. And I really wish that it will come true. Because he didn't deserve to be hurt so bad. All I want for Brian is for him to be happy. Unfotunately I can't make him happy. So I say.
Screw It.
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The sadness darkens but there are no tears whatsoever. The heart pounds and aches but no attack. The brain pulses and hurts but there is no death. I wish for comfort.
Knowing that there will be none by my side.
As I break apart slowly, but keeping the pieces together so I will not shatter. Standing Strong.
As Long as I can.
Today was horrible.
Life sucks..
Maybe Aaron can cheer me up... <3..>
I miss my Kenny.. Probably he doens't miss me.
I yelled 'Fuck You' to Victor. I am tired of his shit. Why should he deserve everything. Then just gloat in EVERYONE'S face that he can make out with his girlfriend. GET A ROOM. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.
I was so angry walking home I had a fixed glare. I get mad at little things. But those things MATTER.
I hate him so much. I wish he would die. Just so I wouldn't have to see his face. I wanna kick his ass. So bad. I want to shove his face in the ground. Make him suffer. So he knows what it feels like. It's just something that guys don't understand. Its so emotional and painful. So I WANT him to know the pain.
But still. I wish my Kenny cared. If only.. <\3.
You know I'm just another person right. Just another person with a different set of problems. I used to often think that I was all alone. So different from the world. I know that it isn't true.
Cause everyone has problems. Everyone. No one is perfect. Everyone has their own problems. If it isn't one thing it is another. But you know, you notice that everyone has some kind of routine. Everyone has some thing on their mind. Wether it be School, Love, Friends, Family. Lots of people get so caught up in their problems. I rather like to think of it as escaping.
I'm probably just here talking about nothing relavent and no one would read this but it's the same thing I tell people and that people have told me. The most important thing in your life is yourself. Never forget that. You lvie only for yourself, not for anyone else. Not for your 'Love', not for your parents, not for ANYONE. But yourself.
There is so much to say about Love too. So many people have broken hearts, enjoying love, or just searching for someone. So many people base their life around it, and they. Are so oblivious. Because you know, there are more things then Love and Sex. There is a whole world to be explored rather then just trying to find someone to love you. I'm not saying that you should just GIVE UP on love, of course it's always nice to have someone to share your life with. But you can't base your LIFE on something like that.
Another thing too. You can't stay depressed about so many things wrong in your life, even if it gets to you sometimes. You have to stand up strong and you should be happy. So you can prove that you are one of those few peopel that have found happiness, even though everything in your life has been turned upside down.
I also believe that you cannot completely change someone. Sure you may have an affect on someone but you don't CHANGE someone. They decide to change themselves. People do not change other people, rather the person chooses to change due to someone's influence. You cannot make someone happy. You cannot make someone sad. They decide their own emotions and they have to decide fo themselves. They will MAKE themselves happy. So. The best thing you can do is to give them what you have to offer. Hoping they will take it and make their own right choices.
You know too, that so many people feel alone in the world. Like no one cares. Cause they don't do anything, but you know. There isn't much you CAN do. You just have to hope that they will begin to change themselves. In that, maybe will bring yourself happiness.
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On the Stupid Side. I totally wake up everyday and Kenny is on the floor :T I need to take better care of him. I also miss the Real Kenny. ): I wish he would give his Plushie comfort. One day I'll get him back. Even though everyone hates him~ I still luvs my Kenny. I want him back <\3 D:
So. Like. I'm calm now.
I have shopped all weekend and am feeling very good.
Btw. I am sick of his attitude. Seriously. Grow some balls.
Still I miss my Kenny <3>
But Tay sang me songs till I fell asleep last night x3 He's such a sweetie (:
One month till Hawaii. Wow. If anyone has plans during the summer tell me. Cause.
I have NOTHING to do in June.
I WILL BE COMMITED TO DRAGONBOAT. PLOX. O_O
I'm crying for Brian..
I wish he knew how fucking hurt I am.
I still care so much about it. Its killing me inside.
Maybe I should hurt myself some more. To teach myself a lesson.
Still then he won't fucking care. So what's the use right? Might as well just die.
From now on. I'll FUCKING care less about him. Cause who gives a shit right?
He doesn't give a shit. Fuck Brian. Fuck Life. Fuck Me.
Maybe I should go Fuck Kenny again right? Huh.
I wish he would find the happiness in himself.
I'm just crying like a child..
I wish I could scream.
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A part of me. I remember I used to say that "Brian, I'll always love in you in some way". I figured that out today. That it's true. Its true I don't love you like I used to but. I still do care. And Now I realize that it's true. I always will. Whenever he is brought up. Talking To Him. My heart springs and remembers.
I can't hide it. But I don't love him. Not in that way anymore. Never again.
All I wish. I remember one time Eric asked me what would happen if I broke up with Brian. I told him. "As long as he's happy". And I stand by that comment.
Brian. As Long as you are happy. All I wish is for your happiness. Just be happy. With yourself. With someone else. Please.
I'm perfectly fine. I am okay. Even though i dont love anyone, I make an effort to be happy. So he should too. I wish he would. I really do.
Just like Strong by Jordyn Taylor.
"That You, were the one that made me strong;
you made me stand up on my own,
with every cruel intention, you helped me find my
independence.
yeah it's all because of you,
that i have the strength i do,
to turn my pain to passion, instead of crashin'.
Boy i'm thankin' you."
So stand strong. Instead of Crashing down.
Brian. I've told you so many times to not be sorry and I mean it.
Brian. I admit. You are something else. Someone that changed me for the better. Taught me lessons.
I still love you in different way. So You should stand Strong, be Happy.
And. Live.
I'm so sorry..sorry..
I wish I didn't have to do what I did.
I wish I could scream.. but I hold it in.
I'd give everything, anything, to apologize to you in person.
Anything. To tell you how sorry. I am. To apologize.
For EVERYTHING. Everything I did to hurt you in so manys ways.
But I know. I can't see you again.
Just for an instant to see your face. Tell you everything on my mind.
Scream to you. Cry in a flood of tears. How unbearablely sorry. How you don't have to be sorry.
But I know for a fact. I'll never see you. So.. there's nothing I can do.
If I could redo it. I would make sure. You never got hurt..
Just that.
Im sorry..I'm so sorry.. for everything. If only to say it to your face..
Brian.
I'm sorry. How many times that word comes up. I could say it a million times. But still. It wouldn't do anything.. but still. I apologize for everything I did. Everything. All the memories. All of it..
You know. Sometimes I feel like people are so clueless and it drives me nuts. I mean like. There are so many people that are like "My boyfriend dumped me! My life is over" Geez. When like, it really isn't. Seriously, everyone has their own set of problems. Unfortunately some are worse than others. I've decided to share these things with you. In short. Easy to Read Sentances. Enjoy it. But like, no one reads this anyway.
I had serious emotional family problems when I was younger.
I've tried several times to run away from home.
I used to cry. Then I started To Cut.
^^^^^^ I won't go into detail with that. The REAL shit is below.
I had sex with my best guy friend.
I loved my ex but did it anyway.
I broke up with my boyfriend on our 4 month anniversary.
He Forgot.
It was my Mother's Birthday.
It Was Akiko's Birthday.
It was 3 days before my birthday.
I had no emotion and faked everything up until 2 months after we broke up.
Life sucks doesn't it. But you want to know something else?
I liked it. I did. Even though straight after I cried. Then went through so much pain. I can prove that I've gone through shit. And made it out. So tell me your life sucks. Just Try It.
Cause To be honest. Most little secrets are kept. And most people's lives are clueless. So you can't look me in the eye and say that you know me because frankly. No.
You don't (:
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Btw. My mom talks to me in the car to start conversations while I'm listening to my iPod.
She's talking to herself (: What a great daughter I am.
Fill the days with happiness.
Because you have to WANT happiness to be happy. Simple isn't it?
Some people are stupid. Some people are intelectual.
Love someone for who they are, not by how they look.
Sometimes it is necessary to break someone's heart. Even if you desperately don't want to.
I made a new DeviantArt just for fun. I'll start drawing again.
XioShun.deviantart.com <-- you should watch that too.
Also made a new Cwalk Vid. Check out my youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/user/oCamiiLGSeXo
Always know that those of you. Who need help. I'm here to listen, but only if you want to talk. Just because I don't do anything does not mean I don't care. I'm a patient person. So I'm here to listen. To Help. To Love. All my friends. Even if you don't normally talk to me. I'm still here.
So Love Yourself. Before you ever try anything else. The most important person is yourself.
Just don't overexaggerate and be conceited. ;)
I hada heart-to-heart talk with Akiko today.
It was. Surprising. I mean like. The whole Victor and Cindy shit.
It got to me. Like, I get overly mad ANYTIME I see them. It's awful.
But today was a good day. Spent the day with Candice, Peggy, Bradley, and Kelvin (:
Lots of laughs, loads of fun. I'm so glad I can still smile <3>
I still miss my Kenny. Busy all month long -sigh-
Tay keeps me company nowadays. He really is sweet, and taught me a bunch yesterday.
I respect your feelings, if you want comfort I'll be here. If you don't, I won't force it out of you now.
I wonder tho. How Brian gets by on. Interesting thought, that I still think about him at times.
I've forgotten how to love a boy. Pretty simple. So I don't know when that feeling will come again. But probably not so soon. It'll happen when it'll happen.
Make good memories, so you won't forget.
I love people. They make me smile. (:
Even though sometimes Life just gets to you. Killing you from the inside out. Random things that float about and the experiences you have in life. Loving someone.
So I think. I will dedicate this, and give all the reasons why I love my guy friends. All my girl friends are so good to me, but in opinion I have more to say about guys. So I dedicate it to all my guy friends out there. Some of the things I love. Some things I hate about them. hah (: I did something on it before, but I'll do it for real now.
I love the way a guy looks at you. That he wants you in his life. The way he hugs you, telling you he wants to be close. The sweet words he'll say, true from his hearts. The way he talks to you, to make you smile and laugh. The way he'll play around, but secretly care so much. The way they go through so much trouble, just to be your comfort. I love these ways.
I hate how they tend to hurt us girls. How they would dump us anyday. When they play around too much, and toy with our hearts. The way they try to act so macho, when they can't be themselves. When they need help, but are so stubborn to not admit it. I hate these ways.
But. These are the things. I would show to a guy. The things that represent me in a sense.
I talk to guys, just to be thier friend.
I smile with guys, so they know they've made me happy.
I look into a guy's eyes, to find the true self of them.
I touch a guy's hair, just to touch a part of them.
I hug guys, hoping they won't let go so fast so I can enjoy the embrace.
I pull a guy's arm, to show him what I have to offer.
I whine to guys, to be cute and complain.
I share my secrets wth some guys, hoping they would understand me a little more.
I give guys advice, because I want them to learn.
I poke guys, for the fun of making them smile.
I love guys, because they interest me in a way a girl never could.
I check out guys, for the fun of pointing out their good and bad characteristics.
I cry for guys, so they know that they've hurt me in a horrible way.
I make fun of guys, to point out their bad points.
I'm perverted towards guys, cause I love how they react.
I hit guys, to say that they've hurt me in some way.
I write poems for guys, to show my true feelings towards them.
I've given up on loving guys for now, cause I hurt myself by getting too close to them once.
I still wish for it. Even Though I know better then to get close. Someday though. Maybe one day.
Tay showed me this video. It reminds me. Of Brian. So much. I feel like crying all over again. But it's okay. <3..
I'm happy. Sweet god full ness ly ness.
Touch My Tra La La :D You know you want to~
Cause I want chu in my room, spend the night together from now until forever!
But use a condom!
Cause Safe Sex is Great Sex C:
I'm in a happy mood. Immuh Gangastah. Beotches. Gots a gangstuh scarf. O:
No more shittyness. Life flips like a coin.
Speaking so. Most of the hot guys at Lincoln are Filipinos. NOT TOO MANY HOT ASIANS D:
When are you gonna get a new face, the monkey wants his ass back (:
Oh man. I don't love Kenny. I don't love no one. Cuzzzz. Boys are. SEXY D: Buut. They are mean ): But some are just hot that way. When like, you see a hot guy and your like "YEH I wanna fuck him ;D' but then it's like, naw you wouldn't be in a relationship. So Lol.
I live single and freely. No one tells me what to do. I choose to do it. So. Single. And Free. But I want hugs. and cuddles. and lovely kisses. But too bad. Cause no one will ): Boohoo. <\3 break my heart.
Today was a good day. (: Horny ppl rule. Like. Totally. <3..
I'm going to go. Make a chocolate chip sandwhich.
The pain hurts doesn't it.
The lumps in my throat, the aches in my heart, the hurt in my eyes. Why does it always end so badly.
Crying so hard. Every night. Just to relief the pain inside. Just to keep going and tell myself I don't love him. All the days go by not talking to him. The days not spending with him. The tears roll down my face. My heart isn't breaking. I still. Still. Losing those close to me.
I wish he wouldn't leave.. Even though I knew from the start that he was like this, but I still stood by his side until now. All the times he made me cry.
All those days I cried for him. All the times when I hugged my Kenny tight, and cried my eyes out for him, but I dealt with it day after day, because inside the pain made me stronger, and because he really did. Make me happy. But now he's gone, it feels like an empty hole. When Brian stole it. When I couldn't love. When I didn't feel anything, no happiness, no sadness, no nothing. Just blank. Nothing at all.
This time, I'm losing the one person who was closest to me as a guy. I keep crying. Even though I really don't want to. I wish I didn't feel the way I do. I just want to see him one last time. One more time. I'll keep saying it. Until he comes.
Our Last Dance.. The last time I'll see him, because I'm giving him up.
The cries don't stop. The pain still hurts. Just another person leaving me.
Everyone I love.. they keep leaving. I don't want you to go..
I know I'm not supposed to say this but. It's like he doesn't even care anymore. I remember he used to. A lot. But now. It's like nothing. This will be a really long post about my memories. The memories I will never forget with Kenny. That I can never forget, that he probably has.
I remember the first time I met him. I was blushing so hard it was so embarrassing. But we had a good time. It was..fun.
When he gave me my Kenny plushie, we saw a movie. I remember when I got scared and hid on his shoulder, and when he teased me I hit him with Kenny too. Such a Fun Day.. I still have the movie ticket on my wall.
We went to the beach together. We swam in the ocean. I was afraid of being swept into the current I held onto him for dear life haha. Even though I can swim pretty good. I buried him in sand and he had his sunglasses on. He wus all covered in sand when he got out and then he threw sand at me and then I was covered with it D; We layed on the beach, it was such a perfect sunny day, I remember his words "Beats Mapling any day" haha..
The first time he came to my house. We hung out. First time I got to ride in his car. I loved it more than anything. We were at my house, then my mom got home. I got him to escape the house through the back door. Sucha close call.
When we had a fight, cause I started dating Brian. He wanted me all to himself. He would always say 'minemineminemine' and so on. But It was the first time he told me that he's been holding up a wall to keep everyone out. That I wasn't strong enough to break it down. Eventually we made up.
Then the first time I went to his house. I liked him more than I liked his dog though. Lol. We hung out. Had a bunch of laughs. He bought me thongs LOL. Then I had my first taste of drunkness. Hah. That's when things went weird.
The recent memories, where he came on some days to pick me up, when me and him would just hang out.
Then. The day came when I slept over at his house. I felt so safe.. so protected, that nothing could harm me. We went to dye his hair. I bleached it all and he was blond. SuperSaiyan! (: Then he dyed it pink.
When it was pink. I remember the next time. The day that has scarred me for life. His friend came over and we went to see the movie 'Push'. After we got back, we drank. Bunches and oodles of fun. Laughs and Giggles. Then it happened. We weren't innocent. We both wanted it. We both now, don't and won't regret it. The next morning I told him 'You broke my vagina stupid! D:<' haha.. I felt no different than I was before. But I had to break the news to Brian.
Then the day came when he went to see his girlfriend. I got mad at him. We had another fight. It was another of those fights. Then.
When I broke up with Brian. I was in a depressive state. Crying. Cutting. Not Eating or Sleeping. Kenny was okay. He didn't tell his girlfriend. But he helped me. The days that he came and. I cried on his shoulder. I cried so hard in front of him. I never cry in front of people. I held onto him tight, wondering why. Those sad memories, one day when he came. I couldn't speak. I couldn't talk at all. The words were just stopped, and I couldn't breath a single word. I just looked at him with tears in my eyes. It's all I did.. Even when he came to comfort me, when he left. I couldn't even say goodbye. He took care of me.
Then after time.. he stopped talking to me. I talked to him. Now.
Everything is so dull. So stopped and he doesn't talk to me anymore. He's not even replying. My texts, my calls, my IMs. So I felt a bit, ditched. Even though The one thing he always said when he comforted me was 'I will never ditch you'. I still wish for those days.
I wish for the days when he hugged me tight. When he comforted me. When he would make me laugh so hard my sides would hurt. So. Did He Forget.
Did You Forget Me. Leaving me here while you are busy with your newfound life.
Not talking to me anymore.
Are you going to forget the past? Through the Almost 2 years I've known you Kenny. Are You.
Forgetting Me. Just, not caring anymore.
Then come see me one more time. Just so I can say goodbye. Even though I desperately, really. Don't want to. This time, is it the end? I won't call you. You aren't asking anything of me. So when the day comes that YOU call me. I'll be here to answer. Cause, truth is. You mean a lot to me. Much more. That I know it isn't fake. That I wish.
You would never Forget Me..
Cause Honestly.. I love him. Even though Everyday I tell myself. No. No I don't.
But I know its there. And I wish it wasn't. Cause I tell myself that I don't.
I don't want to. I desperately. Dont want to. I don't want to love him.. I wish I didn't. So badly.
I wanted drunk talk with Kenny >:(
BITCH HUNG UP ON ME. ASDGFHJKL. THAT LOSER. OH MY GAWD.
You know what. I don't think I'm going to talk to him much anymore. Even though I really want to.
I have a Love Hole. You carve a hole into a piece of paper and look through it (:
Dexter taught me that, you do that when you really like someone. Lol
Well like. Heart aches. Wonder why. Dunno. Still it hurts. Whatever.
I'm a bitch~ Teehee.
OH HORRAY. I'VE DECIDED TO TELL IT TO THE WORLD.
FEEL FREE TO CALL ME A HOE.
IM NOT A VIRGIN FUCKERS. WOOPEE.
YIPPITY DOO DAY.
IM HIGH. JUST KIDDING.
I LOVE HOW THE WORLD DOES THINGS LOL.
LOVE ME ANYWAY RIGHT? OR LEAVE ME CAUSE IM A FUCKER. LITERALLY.
The little secrets I tell the world :x
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That's right.
I WANT HIM. I DO. GOT IT.
I've Touched a dick :D But I haven't sucked one. I don't give Blowjobs sorry.
You know I've noticed changes in my eyes. Like, from time to time I would look at my eyes. I noticed how they've. Gotten shinier. I remember when my eyes looked so dark almost nothing was lit. But then, my eyes, I can see all the memories and I can see my reflection in them now. It's. Weird.
I remember when I looked at his eyes. They looked so.. hurt. So dark, so lost. So, I wondered to myself, how.. did they end up that way. That I looked at his eyes and I couldn't find the reasons for the darkness, for the dimness in them. I still do wonder. What happened to him, to make his eyes so hurt and disturbed. The memories that I not know of, and that he had kept track of everyday. I couldn't see into it. Even though I wished for it.
I touch guys hair because secretly I love the texture and want to touch it forever.
I hug guys because I want to feel loved and connect with them.
I poke guys for fun and to smile myself and make them smile.
I smile at guys because they make me feel like I matter.
I grab a guys arm, so I can show them what I have to offer.
I laugh at guys because they still make me happy.
I hit guys to show them that they've hurt me a little inside.
I cuddle next to certain guys hearts, to feel their heartbeat like a lullaby that comforts me.
I hold certain guys hands. To help them find themselves to be happy with me.
I look into certain guys eyes. To find the hidden truth they keep to themselves.
I kiss certain guys. To feel like they love and care for me.
I love certain guys. Because they've showed me that I'm important to them.
I put certain guys in front of myself. Because I care about them, more then I'll ever care about myself.
I've cut myself for certain guys. To show them that I blame myself for everything that has happened to them.
Honestly. I love Guys. No one can stop me. I just honestly wish, they would love me back.
Haha..
Been There.
Done That.
Haha. Just for myself. I cheered up.
I still wish he would talk to me. Just at least at 'Hi, how are you' thing. Oh well. If he's busy, he's busy. I won't let my emotions control my life. I'll let my brain do SOME of it. haha.
I guess I'm in a way better mood then before, but still. They just got to me today. The emotions builded up. I was fallign apart in 5th period, and did anyone care? No. All they said was 'Oh look at the emo girl' or 'hey you should talk to your boyfriend (meaning the guy next to me)' and 'You know he likes emo girls' Fucking. Leave Me Alone. Why do they Insist on it huh?! Geez. And did they care? Oh no, NO one cares in that class, no one bothered to ask what was wrong when a tear rolled down my cheek. No one cared. 'Wtf happened to your hair'. I was silently crying asleep on my desk, what the FUCK do you think. Ugh.
But Now I know that being emo is not goign to solve my problems, and I just have to be that strong girl I know that Kenny and Brian made me into. It's all because of them that I know how to endure the pain. So. Even if the pain hasn't healed yet, I still. I'll hope for it again.
I thank my Taytay, for being so supportive and loving <3
I thank my Aaron, who makes me laugh and cheers me up when I'm down <:]
I thank Bradley, for the nice hug that I really needed today.
I thank Kristina, for getting me addicted to PW to distract myself xD
I thank Peggy, for being there when I really needed to talk about it.
Thank you everyone. Now I know, that people do care. <3>
I'm depending on his answer.
I'm dying, being eaten from the inside out.
No one is strong enough, or willing enough to help. So It's just there, isn't it.
Just another thing no one else thinks seriously.
So because I hold a smile, everyone will think I am okay. Fake.
I thought I could be strong, but now. I don't even know the reason for the sorrow.
So. Alone. Just sucked back into that state I was in before. Nothing to distract me now.
Just the pain in my heart everyday, and the tears I hide from everyone.
No one to love. No one to care. So just put on that mask again. Again.. like before.
Tony asked if I was a virgin today.
I think it's cause I yelled at Victor on Saturday and spilled the beans. Fucker.
Kenny is busy nowadays. I guess it's goodbye.
My life is just falling apart. I haven't been happy in so long. It's tragic.
I guess I just wanna see him one last time and spend the day, and tell him goodbye.
My mistakes haunt me. I wished..
There's not much left, but a pile of dust and memories. Nothing to look forward to in the future.
What is missing..
My eyes hurt so much. Why do the tears keep falling.
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He's.. abandoning me. Why... why do all the ones I love turn their back on me.
The pain hurts, and it isn't going away. Was I right after all? Was I really just a toy..
One day. I'll die from heartache. Just watch.
She started crying..
It's okay mom.. what you said...
It's okay.. please don't cry for me..
I'm not the daughter you wanted anyway..
Don't hug me..
Don't try and find me..
Three more cuts on my arm. People asked me if I was emo. Well guess what, yeah I am. But I'll stop. I will..
Just don't cry over me.. cause I'm not worth it..
Please stop..
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I want the old him back. The one who made me laugh, made me smile. The innocent days. Too bad. But I can still hope for a better future. If only. If only we could still laugh together.
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I luvs you Tay and Aaron. You turn my sadness into smiles and laughter. <3
My mom says im selfish that i don't consider her feelings. WELL GUESS WHAT. I DONT WANNA SHARE MY LIFE WITH HER.I COULD FUCKING CARE LESS. I don't give a shit. She should stay outta my buisness. I don't trust her. I don't wanna fucking tell her anything. SO I HURT EVERYONE BY NOT TALKING? I JUST DIDNT FEEL LIKE IT. SO IM QUIET AND EVERYONE IS WORRIED, MAYBE I JUST FEEL LIKE BEING QUIET. DONT FUCKING CONSULT ME WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER.
"I thoguht I raised you to be considerate of other people's feelings'
WELL GUESS WHAT. I DO. JUST NOT YOURS. IM SORRY IF IM NOT PERFECT ENOUGH OF A DAUGHTER FOR YOU. IM JUST TOO SCREWED UP IN THE HEAD. WELL GEEZ, JUST BECAUSE I DONT HELP AROUND THE HOUSE YOU DONT FEEL APPRECIATED. WELL I WAS GOING TO GET YOU SOMETHING BUT FUCKING FORGET IT
'What was the point of having you'
YEAH WELL WHO EVER SAID I WANTED YOU TO BE THE SHITTY MOM YOU ARE. OR WHO EVER SAID I WANTED TO BE BORN. HUH.
I DONT NEED YOU TO 'sympathize' cause what do you say?
"Your just watsing your time being mad get over it'
SOME PERSON YOU ARE.
'you hurt everyone today'
WELL IM SORRY IF I DIDN'T TALK OKAY? MAYBE I JUST HAD STUFF ON MY MIND AND WANTED TO BE ALONE. BUT NO. YOU DRAGGED ME THERE. I DONT WANT YOU HERE TRYING TO HELP CAUSE I DONT FUCKING NEED IT.
You'll never understand. So whats the point in trying, all you need to do, is go back to your room.
'there are mothers who are way more strict and worse then me'
SO WHAT. YOUR ALREADY A PIECE OF SHIT. I MAY CARE ABOUT YOU CAUSE YOUR MY MOM BUT NOTHING ELSE. I DONT LOVE YOU.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK ME.
FUCK THIS LIFE.
I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP. JUST STAY OUT OF MY BUISNESS. I DON'T FUCKING NEED YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT AND YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND SO LEAVE ME ALONE.
Today is Cooking day. Time to make chocolate filled creations.
Hopefully it'll take my mind off of the shit I keep thinking about.
I love you Kristina <3>
Although I secretly wish a guy would love me. IN MY DREAMS. LOL.
I need to hang out with Peggy and Candice moar. I love you guys too <3>
They should totally make a banana creme pie with vodka in it.
Then I wouldn't have any complaints. I would totally eat it everyday.
I've had such a tiring week I've had enough. Seriously. All I wanna do is sleep.
Either that, or talk with people that actually care. Cause you know, I know all these fucking people who cut themselves it's crazy. I'm a psycho. I want to cut a heart into my arm. I think it would look nice. Man. Even though I've gotten over my problems I still feel so shitty. Idk why. But I fucking hate it.
There is a guy in my spanish class that looks like Brian. Even then, people say 'oh you look like a cute couple'. Fucking oh my god leave me alone. I am NOT going to start loving anyone again for a long time. I don't give a shit, my heart may be sewn up but it's not even beating. So just leave me alone. Truth is, I CAN'T love anyone else. So just Stfu and leave me alone. I haven't talked to Kenny in a few days. I guess I miss him. I want a long hug. A hug that means something, that they care. Cause no one fucking does. No one loves me. Who would love a cheating bitch.
But I miss him. I do.
I want banana creme pie.
I still want vodka..
I got nothing interesting to say.
Let's see though..
What is coming up. Oh that's right. Mother's Day. So..
Let's talk about my mom shall we? Will I be getting her a present? No. LOL What a horrible daughter. Well, she's not the greatest mom in the world either. Technically, let's make this rant about parents in general. But, I'll start off with my mom. My mom, she gave me life, she takes care of me, yeah general stuff right? Something I should be thanking her for. Well, aside that, I can say she isn't really too great. For a mom. Basically, I'm just some of her DNA so that her 'family' will be passed on. That's it, does she care about my real life? Well I don't trust her.
My mom is the one person I live with. Just me and her inside this house, we do our own things and don't talk. When we do, she asks if I have a boyfriend yet. She doesn't see the part of me that has suffered. She laughs at my dreams. She talks about my friends behind their backs. She is always in my own buisness. She wants me to marry for money. I'm not good enough for her either. So what. I'm me, I don't give a shit. Your not the best mom either.
She doesn't even know her daughter. She doesn't know what I like, or how I feel. She just takes care of me and wants me to grow up, get a job, have kids. I mean, she doesn't even know me. So what is the point of getting her a present when she doesn't even know who I am. Who ever said I wanted to live then huh.
Almost all parents are like this, and I personally can't stand it, I'm supposed to do everything she tells me, I am to obey her. Well so what. Too bad. She doesn't know I have cuts on my arm, or that I cried every night, the guilt I carried, the pain I had, what I've done, the times I wanted to run away, when I wanted to just die, when I drank, and all the times I felt pain in my heart that wouldn't go away. She just looks at the surface. Nothing underneath.
So what exactly is a mother?
I want some vodka.. <3
Having a pretty shitty week. Let's listen to some music shall we?
It's how I feel. About Brian. About my love life. In general.For some reason. I'm having tons of hissy fits today
I'm so angry and fucking hurt and my chest and side hurt for some reason or another.
What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm over my problems so what's the deal.
I'm not pmsing.
I hate these feelings, I'm fine. So whats the reason for this. What is the fucking problem. I don't get it. What is wrong with me, is it because I keep thinking about Brian or Kenny? Or what. That I feel no one has gone through my shit? I don't know. But It's driving me crazy. Why do I feel so down.
Is the sky sympathizing with me, where the fog comes and you can't see ahead. Did it cry for me on Friday?
Sometimes I wish It would all end. How depressive I am. What a horrid bitch.
He still loves me. Well fucking I may still think about him, but he shouldn't WASTE his time. What is he thinking. He deserves better then me. I mean, there is no possibel reason to love someone like me. Really. Is there?
I need a shower. Fuck this.
