I have so much on my mind I don't know what to say. I know this will be long.
Today I went to my cousin's birthday. Today was the first day in a long time. That I really did feel alone. They were such kids, laughing and playing tag. I had hung out with them for a little while, but things grew dull and I had no place. The adults do not care, and I had just layed down in one chair. I closed my eyes, tuned everyone out, I took deep breaths, my heart had begun to hurt again. I began to think.
The entire day, I had been thinking about Kenny. How I really felt. How I had fallen for his tricks, how I could've been so wrong. I had a dream yesterday, a dream about him. He had taken me for a drive in his car, he wasn't the Kenny I know today, he was.. gentle, kind, an advice giver. I did not know the reason, I do not remember what he had said in my dream, but. He smiled with a kindness I do not know, his eyes had changed, to a brighter sight, a.. happy one. He had told me something.. I do not remember it, nor do I understand it, even if I wish to.
I was still in the chair. I had begun to think once more, Kenny.. these days I begin to think of him as Shameful. He used me like a tissue. Like a toy. I had always thought I meant something, yet, I was so wrong I do not know, how could I have been so stupid. He never told me sorry, for the awful things he did. He always told me I was dense, its true. I did not understand him, even if I tried a million years, I still wouldn't. The only thing I knew was. His memories. The good memories I had with him, the times he made me laugh, the times we spent together, the days of laughter and innocence. The days when he WAS there. When he was there with my sadness. The days he comforted me, the times he would go out of his way to come see me, and comfort me when I cried. How.. could I have been so wrong. I told him that I loved him. Which I now know is not the case. On his birthday this year, I was going to give him a present I had made. He broke my heart a few days before. When he told me, that I was too obsessive and we should not talk anymore. He thew me away that day, and I had cried so hard. As I had with Brian. I had wanted to die. I still remember one day. When I asked Kenny. To Kill Me.
Tears were running down. I told him. To come see me. To bring his gun. To Shoot Me. And End My Life. Because I could not do it myself. The old days..
Back then. I wanted nothing more than to die, the feeling had come back, when Kenny left. I wanted to die, more then ever. My heart hurt and ached for days. I was lost, I had become even more depressed then I was before. I know for sure. Kenny had changed me. He had changed me in.. a good way. I was in pain, because of all the wrongs he had done. But, those wrongs, I am now stronger from. The only thing hurting me. Are the memories. The reasons for becoming infactuated with a person such as him. The only thing keeping me is his memories. I.. have so many memories with him. Wherever I turn I can find something to say about him. Even my own bed. Or my clothes. My mirror. Anything. His memory is still there.
I have insomnia. I cannot sleep. He haunts me in my dreams. And I remember. I always.. ALWAYS. Said sorry first. Whenever he had hurt me. He never truely said sorry. Never. I was so foolish to think, that I could be with someone such as him. He tore my heart out and broke it into tiny pieces. I knew from the start he was a player. But. I had taken his first kiss. His first Sex. I thought it made me at least a bit more important than the average girl he would talk to. I was wrong. So wrong. He still cast me aside. He was worse than before, and I was so STUPID. To let him control me. Again.
The days I was with Brian. He made a DIFFERENCE. I was my own person. I could be myself, and have someone by my side to actually care for me. The way no one else would. But I took it for granted. I lost myself when I had too much FUN with Kenny. It wasnt fair to Brian. I was caught between them when 2009 approached. As the days passed things changed, things I thought would NEVER. But.. in the end. I lost Brian. Now. I've lost Kenny too.
For the first time in TWO YEARS. I felt completely, surrounded by my fears. By the burden of loneliness around me that no one could break. I was drowning in sorrow. Breaking from the pain, the darkness of my eyes had returned and I. Wanted To Die. Nothing to live for. Empty shell, that everyone had come to for advice. The days of summer passed and I grew weaker and weaker each day. I was trapped in my own house. My own room, I skipped a few meals. I felt no happiness. Only a blank expression, nothing held my interest.
One day, I finally talked to my father. He told me of loneliness, he began checking on me daily. And I steadily grew better. I went out everyday, I felt happier. But today. Today. My family. Renforced the reasons, all the bitter reasons why I am alone. Why I am not as important as my younger cousins. How I have so much free time to think about the memories he's left me with. That hurt every moment they have and try to tear me apart while I try my hardest to put them back together.
I held the tears back from my family, and held a blank look, saying that I was tired or bored. When really, my heart was just falling apart in front of them. The memories. I fell in love with them. Nothing more. I do not love Kenny now. I think of Brian, as.. normal. Whose life I had destroyed. Because of my mistakes.
I looked at my cousin today. 13. She is still a young child. She is an only child, she has both sides of her family loving her, a loving mother and father, a best friend for life, even a crush that likes her. Then. I compare it to my own life.
Stripped of my Father and Brother. A Mother who has never told me she loves me. Violent days of yelling and punches. Virginity erased by a jerk. Lonely from the beginning. A best friend that does not understand. No one to love me.
I looked at these things, and I thought of how, I have one thing she doesn't. I have wisdom, from all my Pain. I know suffering.
And she is a young oblivious girl, who knows nothing of the real world out there.
So the only thing I want to say now. Is that I still wish Kenny's memories would leave me. Everyday at 11:11. I wish for my memories of him to disappear. So that, I would forget him. I would move on, and end the struggle to keep putting my heart pieces back together. And Keep Brian's memory. So that instead of Kenny's memories to make me cry. I would have Brian's memories, to make me smile..
I learned a terrible lesson. For the better, but still hurts. I want to start again. To find happiness. And live. Let me. Free.. From Kenny.. From my bitterness.. From my loneliness.. From the world's judgement.
When I arrived at home. I thought of these things. And I drew some tears on my cheeks. Because. The battle isn't over yet. I'm still fighting.
