Sorry

False Alarm. 

I guess I still think about it and it stabs me in the back. 

Stupid Girl. 

I'm not a princess. It ain't a fairytale. 

The crying continues. Because. 

That I can't even talk to him. It hurts. 

I'm Sorry. 

Fucking Happy.

I'm happy. It's a good thing. 

Yay for me. Good things happen. 

Dragonboat has been awesome. I love smiling.

I don't love anyone though. 

I never say 'I love You' 

Oh You.

I want to say goodbye to the past. 

I wanted to talk to him. 

But my heart just skipped and the pain returns. 

I thought I was okay. But I can still draw tears. 

Why can't I do it. Why can't I just say a simple hello. Without my heart exploding. 

It's not that I regret it, I just, don't know why I can't try to start. Is it because I don't want to? 

I took one look at his profile. One look. And Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes and I am still in pain. I wonder why. 

I still wonder if he looks at my blogs. He's moved on. It's actually been one year. 

One year since I met him. I'm still stuck in the position I've been in from the start. I honestly want to patch things up, but I do not think it possible. I guess he still roams in my heart somewhere. 

Oh you. You really are something. Haha. 

How did you captivate my mind with your akward innocent charm. You were always so cute. Always. I guess, you still make me smile, and make me cry, without you ever being here. That part of you still remains. Even though my feelings for you have changed. 

Oh..Haha, Your name. Tell me. Would you speak with me this day? Probably not. It's okay. I guess I'm not ready for you either. Maybe I'll never be. 

Why do I feel empty, like the life in me is gone. 

I have no will, no power, not even laughter to calm me. 

I wish I knew what was wrong. I wish I knew how to fix it. 

It's so gloomy, and the sun doesn't wish to see me. 

What's wrong.. I feel nothing but emptiness. Not even pain. 

Just, nothingness, I'm not trying. And I don't know why I feel so bad. 

I wish I knew. 

I've been feeling like shit lately. 

My stomach won't stop hurting. What the fuck is wrong with me. 

Knock You Down.

Shit knocks you down. Just get back up when it does.

Knock You Down - Keri Hilson.

It's my new therapy song. I do not forget certain things. Things that are so disgusting. Some people are so wrong. It's fucking retarded. Sometimes people try to help and they fail. So I do everything in the end, cause no one's got my back. So when someone knocks me down. I'll get back up on my own. 

Paranoid.

I stole the puck from an air hockey game. It was cool. Then my Coach told me to put it back or he'd call the cops on me.

And I realize. 

I've done so much shit..there is no going back. I'm a horrible person and I'll stay that way. If the cops come and take me, then I guess I deserve it. I would just hurt the people I care about even more. I'm always messing up, I'm always hurting the people I care about. It what the scars are for. If the cops come and take me. If they handcuff me. If I get thrown in jail. I'll rot. I would commit suicide. I wouldn't take it at all. I would get rid of this world, and maybe I'll find a place where I belong. So I would sleep forever in my dreams. No one can make me happy, no one knows how to cheer me up. Look what I've become. I am what I am. I care about things yes. But if it did happen, then. I still wouldn't go back. The scars remind me of all the things i've done wrong in my life. The pain hurts more than anything else. I did it for fun and nothing else. I'm not a nice girl. I never will be. 

I'm never good enough anyway. Not for anyone. So take me away, I'll rot in jail, I don't belong anywhere. Nowhere. 

If I am kicked from the team, then I'll do nothing. I'm worthless anyway. Who needs me. 

Thank you for letting me go this day without feeling regret or shame.

The Same Old Truth.

Their stories make me cry. It tugs at my heart that, I can give advice, but still they do not wish to be happy. For only you can change yourself. 

Sometimes you feel so out of place. I was there, I was in the middle, but I sat quiet. While they talked amoungst themselves. They kept laughing, talking, while I closed my eyes, trying so hard not to cry. Not to feel. Lonely. It hurt even more, so sensitive it tugged at my heart, that I knew I didn't belong there. That even though I was trying, it wasn't good enough. 

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I learn. My dad tells me such wonderful stories, lots of advice, and any knowledge I can gain. HHe told me one day, about how girls stay with the guys that are jerks in their life. Do you know why? It is because they are comfortable with it. Because that is the way they were brought up in life, they are comfortable with someone who treats them like shit. Odd isn't it? 

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I try my hardest everyday to keep the people I care about happy. I try to keep myself happy everyday. Some days I succeed. Some days I fail. Sometimes I just breakdown and start crying because out of nothingness. Sometimes I feel accepted by the people around me. Sometimes I feel like I am alone and no one knows what it is like. Some days I say "Fuck My Life". Some days I say, This is the best day of my life.

But I Never say "I love you" To anyone.

But I always say "I care about you". To the people I can.

I think I should write a story, a real story. 

And I want some people to know. I'm doing all I can for you. Do the same for yourself. Please. 

Lol.

I wanna live my life. Lets get drunk. 

Party it down on the dance floor. Too bad there aren't any. 

I wanna party and have some fun. Ahh I wish. 

I want some liquor <3>

Random Shit

Sometimes I feel like people don't want to try and look behind the mask. That no one will go out for me, like I go out for them. 

Life should fuck me. And It'll feel good. <3>

I actually just have phases where I think about stuff that bothers me and I write it all down. Some of it isn't true, it just how I feel then. So if I'm happy, then I don't write on this blog. If I feel like I need to let something out, I write it down on here. It's how I work. 

So I'm not all depressed and shitty, although most of the time I am.. Sometimes I am trying my hardest to be happy. I'm just not quite there yet. 

Confusion

I still cry at night. And I have no idea why.. 

I want the tears to stop, what am I feeling. The pain in my throat and heart. What is wrong..

I thought I was gonna try and be happy. The tears keep falling and I don't know. They just keep coming. Why are they coming.. Am I sad..? What's happening.. I feel fine.. 

Why do they pour down. Soak my pillow and teddy bear. Whats wrong with me.

Nowadays the tears keep coming. Everynight.. Why.

I'm Back From Hawaii. Awesome Trip it was. Incredible. 

Tomorrow is my first Dragonboat practice. Hopefully I'll do good. I plan on talking a lot more later on but I am so tired so I'll do a short one. 

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Sometimes I think. It's one or the other. I picked the wrong one. Lost a lot in the process. 

I am single and lonely. Taking life as it comes, one step at a time. It still hurts sometimes. I remember those old days, when people used to say we were the perfect couple. That we were so cute together. Well.. things are never perfect, and never are people. I made tons of mistakes. 

Well the last few days have been quite odd. I met Brian's friend, and we started talking, and I gotta say. We got a lot in common and I feel like I can finally talk to someone that might understand how I might have felt and say what I want without being judged and someone that can relate becuase he knows Brian and that I might be able to trust a person like that. Maybe I can finally let go of all the shit I've had on my back from the start. Maybe, maybe not. 

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A Few Songs. I can Dedicate to The Guys that Broke My Heart. 

To Brian.

Love Remains the Same - Gavin Rossdale

Don't Change - Elliot Yamin

Forever - Claude Kelly 

My Mistake - Shiny 

Won't Even Start - David Choi

To Kenny.

No Surprise - Daughtry

Used To Be - Ilya

Womanizer - Britney Spears

Strong - Jordyn Taylor

Tears - Unknown

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I always talk about them. No more Kenny. Brian still remains. His memory keeps me happy. His goodbye made me cry. But he was kind. He was gentle. Always loving. And I feel okay. He was my first love. Still a part of me hangs onto him. I don't know why. 

Kenny's goodbye. Filled me with Anger. Hate. Regret. He was a player. Way too fun I lost myself. The old Kenny I loved with everything. The memories kept me insane. But then he broke my heart. And I was set free. So I guess I can thank him for the painful memories that made me stronger. 

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Now for me. I can plainly say that. I am a crazy laughing bunch of energy. Then I am a depressive emo who has the scars from pain. Then there is the dirty dark side, that craves alocohol and sex. Which I take much pleasure in everything. Haha.